ME? MOVE A MOUNTAIN?

Just the time I think that I'm at peace with a world that's mine,
I feel at ease, I feel at home and I know I'm not alone,
Then in my rest, there comes a test that shakes me till again I know
That what I've learned is not enough and again I've got to grow.

Lord, I want to know you more,
Deep within my heart I want to know you,
Lord I want to know you,
And I would give my final breath
To know you in your death and resurrection
Lord I want to know you more.

in this past week, i've had a bike stolen, a purse stolen and fought a fever for a day.  on the flip side, i've also gotten to see five students accept Christ into their lives.  small price, i'd say.  more than anything, i've been learning about the power of faith and more importantly, prayer that's backed by faith.  getting my purse stolen has definitely shaken up my world more than i ever expected.  my faith has been stretched as i have had to tell myself that all the "stuff" in this life is just that.  stuff.  one day, it'll all be burnt up and gone in a flash.  i've had to remind myself of the goodness of God - His sovereignty that does not even allow a particle of dust to fall without His knowledge.  to believe that in my moments of pain and disillusionment with the world, He still desires to use me - that His power to bring life is greater than my clouds of doubt.  and holding onto the Word, i've had to press on and continue the work He's called me to do.

surprisingly though, i've found that faith is not something i can muster up.  it's only in a place of surrender and desperate need of God to show up that i've been carried through.  only when i'm looking back, do i realize faith was given to me.  i've found that it's my prayers of total reliance that are answered. 

three years ago, i heard someone pray, "Lord, grant us greater faith and greater vision."  it was then that i began to ask for more faith.  and looking back, i see with delight how God is answering it day by day.  i can't say i have faith to move a mountain, but i'm starting to see that i can bank myself on the One who is able to move it.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
~Hebrews 11:1~

APPRENTICE OF REST

i was reading through Matthew 11 the other day,
the part about Jesus giving rest for the weary and i came across an
interesting idea. in the NIV, it says

Come to me, all you
who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you
and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find
rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is
light.

but in the New Living translation, it says,

Then Jesus said,
"Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will
give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble
and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits
perfectly, and the burden I give you is light."

there's a
slight difference between learn from me and let me teach you.
the first requires pro-active effort on my part - i need to try and do what
the Master is doing. the second is not so much passive as it is more of an
emphasis on watching first and simply copying the Master. it's like Jesus is
inviting us to be His apprentices and the job we're apprenticing is rest.
that, to me is a pretty cool idea. that i can follow Jesus around each day
and let Him be my teacher in Rest 101. what exactly does that look like in
life? i'm not too sure. but i hope that as i ask Him to be my teacher,
i'll discover what it means. :)

O people of Zion, who live in
Jerusalem, you will weep no more. He will be gracious if you ask for help.
He will respond instantly to the sound of your cries. Though the Lord gave
you adversity for food and affliction for drink, he will still be with you
to teach you. You will see your teacher with your own eyes, and you
will hear a voice say, "This is the way; turn around and walk here."

~Isaiah 30:19-21~

ENGRISH

one of the interesting experiences i have had thus far in my journeys has been riding the overnight train to a neighbouring city.  three-tiered bunk beds just wide enough for one person line the cabin and if you're fortunate enough to get a top bunk (as i was), you get to sleep all night half-afraid of rolling off and half-afraid of hitting your head on the ceiling.  makes for great jet-lag aggravation.  ;p  additionally, you must sleep before the lights turn out at 9 and even more importantly, you should take care of any business before the night comes.  otherwise, you're setting yourself up for a rather smelly, bumpy experience.  there is not toilet to speak of.  just a cubicle with a hole in the floor through which you can see the ground rushing past (and feel the wind too!).  anyway, right outside of this "toilet," there is a garbage can.  a sign with an arrow pointing down is posted just above it.  "RUBBISH SPOT," it denotes.  what a great description of the garbage can.  what a great description of our hearts.

so many spots in our lives are full of rubbish.  and it's only by grace that our rubbish spots are ever emptied and cleaned!

Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God.
~Matthew 5:8~

SETTING SAIL

I’m standing on the seashore. A ship appears and spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean. She is an object of beauty and I stand watching her till at last she fades away on the horizon and someone at my side quietly says, "She is gone." Gone where? Gone from my vision, that is all. She is just as large as when I saw her last. The diminished size and the total loss of sight is in me, not in her. Just at the moment when someone at my side says, "She is gone," there are others who are watching her coming and other voices take up the joyful shout, "Here she comes!"
-- Robert Browning

Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel... Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.
~Ephesians 6:19-20~

SAY WHAT?!

for the past 23 years, i've attended many surprise parties for other people. and each time, i've wondered whether i'd ever get my turn. well, last night, i got it good. and the funniest thing was that it wasn't a birthday party, or even a going away party. it was my church commissioning service! yah. a surprise commissioning service. :)

my good friend conned me into going to church by booking me for coffee and then saying she had to photocopy something at church. so i happily went along. hah. little did i know what was waiting for me! anyway, it was a very touching evening and i feel more undeserving of the love of God and of all my friends as ever. to understand the story fully though, i must backtrack a bit. 'cuz i realize it might seem odd to have to have a mid-week surprise commissioning service.

my commissioning service was originally scheduled for this past sunday. however, on saturday, the church sewage pipes burst (eew) and the decision was made to cancel church the next day. my initial reaction was disappointment and frustration at God - how could He allow church to be cancelled on my commissioning sunday?! i've mentioned before that i've been going through the excercise of asking God to let me look into His eyes and really see His face. so saturday night, after i heard the news, my thoughts were God, i don't understand you right now. i can't even vaguely see your face let alone look into your eyes! and God softly answered shhh... put aside your initial emotional reactions and look closer. so i did. and i actually saw His eyes for the first time. eyes full of deep love. smiling eyes. eyes with a little twinkle in them. as if God had something up His sleeve. and i smiled, knowing that there was something surprising and delightful that was in store for me.

and so, after the initial shock of seeing a room full of people who were there expressly for me, i got the joke. had the sewage pipes not burst, none of us would have experienced such a beautiful, memorable evening of celebrating God's goodness and stepping into a new place of faith. this was why God had a twinkle in His eye! :)

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future [and surprises!]"
~Jeremiah 29:11[translation mine]~

WHY THE MOON?

the following is an excerpt from a speech delivered by President John F. Kennedy at Rice University after he was told it would take forty years for man to reach the moon. its content reflects part of my motivation for going overseas and taking on the challenge of utilizing the arts to tell the multitudes in East Asia about the love of Christ.

But why, some say, the moon? Why choose this as our goal? And they may well ask, why climb the highest mountain? Why, thirty-five years ago, fly the Atlantic? Why does Rice play Texas?

We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard! Because THAT GOAL will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills. Because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept,... one we are unwilling to postpone,... and one we intend to win, and the others too!

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
~Philippians 3:14~

ME? JUGGLE?

strolling through Place Jacques-Cartier in the heart of Old Montreal, our family came across a crowd of people watching a street performer intently. in front of him stood a boy, about 9 or 10 years old, listening carefully to the man's instructions. the lesson at hand? juggling 101.

from the boy's sheepish demeanour, it was obvious that he had never tried juggling before, let alone in front of a group so large. but the busker was skilled. he only asked that the boy keep looking at him and concentrate on catching the bowling-pin-shaped object with his left hand, switching it to his right and throwing it with his right hand to the man's left hand. simple, really. and so they practiced with one pin. then two. then three. then four. by then, we were all cheering and laughing at the wonderful accomplishment this was for the young boy. but then the busker added a FIFTH pin! this just topped it all. within the span of maybe ten minutes, an untrained boy was juggling five objects back and forth between him and this master!

as the show ended and we all carried on our merry way, i couldn't help but notice that my heart was lighter and i had a smile on my face. and i reflected on how the simple act of empowerment by this street performer had probably made the day (and maybe the life!) of this young boy. i marveled at the ripple effect it had on everyone watching.

seemingly impossible tasks are not so bad when you trust the right coach to lead you through.

I guide you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths.
~Proverbs 4:11~

THE WHITE ELEPHANT

there is a tale of a certain prince of a certain kingdom.  within this kingdom, there was a certain high official who was rather unpleasant.   and this certain high official became such a nuisance that the prince needed to rid the kingdom of him.  so, as any wise ruler would do, this prince decided to give this official an extravagant gift: a white elephant.

now within this kingdom, the white elephant was the most sacred of animals, requiring the highest quality of grooming and the finest  of foods.  it needed its own climate-controlled shelter and a score of personal attendants.  only esteemed men were given the task of keeping a white elephant.  at least that's what the high official first thought.

"how privileged i am to receive this gift!  and from the prince no less!  see how special i am," said the official, beaming with pride.  but as the weeks wore on, the truth began to emerge.  the man's life savings were being spent on keeping the white elephant content and he was quickly spiraling into debt.  but he could not give it away or sell it for to do so would be to offend the prince and perhaps cost him his life.  and so what was once appeared to be a blessing turned out to be a curse.

how many times do we chase after white elephants, thinking we're in for something good when in reality, they're only meant to destroy us.  and how many times do we look at others' lives in envy, wishing we had a white elephant when we don't see what the implications would be for us if we did have one.

dear God, teach me to be wise.  and teach me to be content.

You're blessed when you're content with just who you are--no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.
~Matthew 5:5 [the Message]~

I KNOW NOT LOVE

this morning, i was reading the story of Mary, anointing Jesus at Bethany with perfume and wiping his feet with her hair and i realized that i still have a very far way to go before i grasp the depth of his Calvary love.  i tried to picture myself in her position and i wondered if i could take my $26,300 this year and spend it on perfume to spill over his feet.  and then use my hair to wipe it up?!  who would do that?  only one who was deeply touched by the extent of his love.  in light of that, i still have a heart of stone.  which leads me to this question:  if i am not moved by Calvary love, how can i expect to be moved by the plight of man?

For Christ's love compels us...
~2 Corinthians 5:14~

ABOUND IN YOU

Sever me from myself that
     I may be grateful to You;
May I perish to myself that
      I may be safe in You;
May I die to myself that
     I may live in You;
May I wither to myself that
     I may blossom in You;
May I be emptied of myself that
     I  may abound in You;
May I be nothing to myself that
     I may be all to You.

Desiderius Erasmus (1406-1536)

He must become greater; I must become less.
~John 3:30~

THICKER THAN WATER

having relatives over is turning out to be a surprisingly pleasant experience.  in the last four days, i've learned stuff about my family from my uncle that has been rather fascinating.  i've learned the history of my dad's chinese name ('cuz my uncle was the one who named him!) and i've heard about lots of interesting foods from their home city that are no longer prepared or consumed.  but the coolest tidbit of info thus far has been that my grandfather (who i never had the chance to meet) used to be a thespian!  he showed my uncle pictures of himself as a youngster, acting on stage.  so it's in the genes!!  :)  how very interesting.

Ask the former generations and find out what their fathers learned, 
for we were born only yesterday and know nothing, and our days on earth are but a shadow.
~Job 8:8-9~

ON YAKS AND PADDED BRAS

it's looking to me like the closer it comes for me to leave, the more "stuff" God is revealing that i need to address. not that everything needs to be solved, but i think it's stuff i haven't acknowledged, stuff i've been trying to ignore.

take the issue of self-esteem. on monday, my friends and i were chatting and one of them pointed out that i may be offered a yak next year (implying a marriage proposal in local terms). immediately, my other friend chimed in, "yeah, what's your price? like how many cattle would you require before you accept the offer?" my reaction? sorry, i'm not for sale. honestly though, i was a little hurt by the question. mostly because i want to believe that i'm more valuable than a herd of cattle (or even a yak!).

which leads me to yesterday, when i went to Pacific Mall with my visiting relatives. while looking at the qipao (traditional women's dresses), my aunt remarked that i'd look good in one but i should get some padding to enhance my figure. again, to be honest, i appreciate that i'm not built like the typical model (very few people are) but i don't need someone to draw attention to my deficits! gah.

anyway, i'm starting to wonder when all this poking and prodding from God is gonna end. i know i definitely prefer comfort and ignorance to this, but i suppose this is all a part of the Refiner's Fire.

sigh.

Daddy, please tell me again that You love me.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
~Romans 8:28~

HEART TRANSPLANT

about a month ago, at Willowcreek, i heard this analogy: sometimes, God has us up on the operating table. we're vulnerable, open and bleeding all over the place. most of the time, when we're there, we want to crawl off the table and hide our sickness. those around us see the mess we're in and are tempted to react by shrinking away. but it's those times that we have to hold each other's hands and encourage each other not to get off the table until the Physician's finished.

this weekend, i was on the operating table. i saw for the first time that my heart, which i had thought was relatively soft and responsive to others, was actually a heart of stone. i saw that at the core of me, i'm a selfish brat. and i saw that God, in His grace and patience, was slowly transforming this stone into flesh. of course, it's a painful process but i'm gonna stay on this table until the transplant is complete.

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
~Ezekiel 36:26~

ACTUALLY, I DID FORGET...

people say that riding a bike is one of those things you never forget how to do. well, either i'm exceptionally forgetful, or the saying is wrong!

this past saturday, i went bike riding for the first time in probably over 13 years and yep, i had to learn how to do it again. i don't really know what i was expecting the experience to be like when my friend suggested that we go bike riding to prep me for my life overseas but i can truly say that it was not the most pleasant of experiences. it was actually quite uncomfortable, humbling and patience-testing. there were a few moments at the beginning when i had to decide to keep trying and really push myself to conquer the task. happily, i fell just once. haha... so i only acquired a sore bum and a very big bruise on my leg. :p

i think this experience taught me a couple things about learning. 1. learning anything new requires determination and effort. but don't give up because it's not impossible. and 2. having a patient friend to ride alongside, encourage and guide you makes the learning process much more bearable.

i guess these are lessons i should keep in mind as i tackle a new language and culture next year. ;)

one last thing: author and speaker John Maxwell believes that a person must keep growing daily. one of the questions he uses to help determine growth is, "when was the last time you did something for the first time?" i think for me, even though it wasn't technically for the first time, learning to ride the bike again was indeed a moment of growth. and one i'm quite happy to have gone through. :)

...let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
~Hebrews 10:25b~

YES, BUT

in celebration of our nations's 137th birthday, our family took a road trip up to Midland, a town up north by Georgian Bay where we'd booked an afternoon cruise around the 30,000 islands. when we set off in the morning, it was nice and bright, a beautiful day. but as we drove, the sky seemed to get darker and darker. we were literally driving away from the clear skies and into cloud covered territory. as i was sitting in the backseat, i asked God, why are you allowing it to rain? it's a vacation day. i was hoping for nice weather. and in the stillness, i heard His reply, it will rain on the journey. the sun will shine when you get there.

of course, God didn't have to listen to my complaints and i really had no right to demand fair weather. but true enough, by the time we boarded the ship, the sky was blue and hardly a cloud was in sight (and as a consequence, i'm a little lobster-esque today ;p ).

the lesson? it will rain on the journey. on this side of eternity, while we're living on this earth, there will be non-ideal conditions and hardships. BUT, the sun will shine when we get there. and that is our hope.

of course, it's yet another piece of evidence that God spoils me. :)

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
~2 Corinthians 4:17~

REASON TO BELIEVE

(read the post below first before reading the rest of this)

so right after publishing my last post, i get in my car to drive my computer to a friend's place to get it fixed. as i back out of the driveway, i see a faint rainbow. now a rainbow is a sign of God's promise never to destroy the earth by flood again - a promise of goodness, a promise of life (see Genesis 9:12-16). so picture me, in my wavering faith, glancing up to see God's promise in the sky. but it didn't end there.

as i'm driving down Bayview, the rainbow not only gets brighter, but i see that it arcs over the ENTIRE SKY. and not only that, but the rainbow lasts only for the duration of my drive. by the time i arrived at my friend's place, it was all but gone again.

you could say it was a coincidence. or you could call me egocentric, but to me, that rainbow tonight was God's way of splashing I LOVE YOU! all across the sky. His love note to me. i tried calling people to tell them to look, but they didn't get to see it. God blows my mind. even though i lacked faith, God still pursued me and gave me reason to believe. He's my biggest cheering section.

God spoils me.

O LORD , you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
You hem me in-behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
~Psalm 139:1-6~

TRUSTWORTHY SAYINGS

a few months ago, a couple of my friends were discussing how they were memorizing Paul's trustworthy sayings in his letters to Timothy. truthfully, i'd never noticed them before then. and to be even more frank, even though it's occurred to me to look into them more, i haven't - at least not yet.

however, one of them sticks out to me as more precious than the others at this moment of my life. because at this moment, i am fiercely fighting onslaughts of doubt that are trying to pummel me to the ground. preparing to leave and trusting God to provide all i need for next year is proving to be a battle i hadn't exactly anticipated would be this tough. i feel a little like i'm on a boat in the midst of a storm, trying desperately to keep the water out but somehow, waves keep crashing in onto the deck. but in between waves, things are ok.

some people say that all we need is faith the size of a mustard seed. now i know a mustard seed is a very small thing so it shouldn't be that difficult to find that little bit of faith. but if we're honest with ourselves, there are times when even that speck of faith seems to be misplaced. having said all this, now you can appreciate why Paul's trustworthy saying is so dear to me:

Here is a trustworthy saying:...
if we are faithless,
he will remain faithful,
for he cannot disown himself.
~2 Timothy 2:11,13~

CHOICE

up till now, i haven't posted links to anything on this site but this time around, i think it's worth it.

the topic du jour, of course, is our federal elections. i will be the first to admit that when it comes to politics and government, i am terribly ignorant. but i do have a desire to become more educated. however, how could i possibly navigate through all the sites and opinions to find my own stance? moreover, where does God fit in? i think i am not alone in this dilemma. in fact, i know i'm not. many of us young (and not so young) Canadians (especially in the - dare i say it? - Chinese Christian circle) have good intentions but are either too intimidated or lazy to find real information and not just settle for general opinions. alternately, some of us don't really care.

but for those out there who do care and want to take their voting privilege seriously, here's something that may help: Election Chart a group of gracious individuals have taken the time to create a chart comparing the four major parties on 16 different issues. they've also included a few questions to help us evaluate more clearly.

i pray that we, as Canadian citizens, and even more as people who profess to follow Christ, would seek God's heart for our nation and make wise, educated choices. may we be responsible stewards of our freedom.

He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
~Micah 6:8~

SOMETHING FROM NOTHING

it's been said that money can either be your master or your slave. and since i'm about to have an actual salary next year, i'm thinking about how to make money work for me. here are my thoughts so far:

1. money can be your servant by creating more wealth for you. my parents (and some financial advisors) recommend that i "pay myself" 10% of whatever i make and put it into some sort of investment so that it can work for me.

but then my question is, WHY? why should i care for more money? which leads me to:

2. money can work for you in places you cannot be all at once. by sending money to support people or organizations, you can let it represent you. so you can be "working" in many places even while you're asleep!

but the really exciting thought is this:

3. money invested into God's work becomes heavenly riches. so what is earthly and perishable can turn into something eternal! in my eyes, that's like God is giving us a way to make something out of nothing. and that's a pretty sweet deal.

makes you rethink how you want to spend your money, eh?

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.
~Matthew 6:19-20~

VISION

i'm supposed to be studying right now, but as you can see, i'm not. i'll get to it (i've been saying that all day... hahaha)...

anywho, this past week, i had the privilege of attending the annual Arts Conference at Willowcreek Community Church in Illinois. the topic this year was "the real deal" - being authentic people to create authentic services. i had known since december that i should go this year but it wasn't until a few months later that i was told i could go. i went full of anticipation that God had a reason for me to be there. i expected that maybe God would show me more of His vision for what He wants me to do with my life.

in typical fashion, God surprised me. instead of answering my WHAT question, He answered my WHO question. God showed me a new perspective of Himself and what it means to be His child.

on wednesday night, we attended their mid-week service. the topic that day was on Asking - referring to Matthew 7's ask, seek and knock passage. when he got to seeking, the speaker talked about Psalm 32:8 where one translation tells us that God is looking us in the eye. how do we know when someone looks us in the eye? we know when we are looking in their eyes.

i've always heard to "seek His face," and i've always liked that concept. but i've never thought of what i'd see if i were to look. i guess it never occurred to me that God's face would have eyes for me to look into.

so i expand that image in my mind. me, looking into the eyes of God. meeting His gaze. what would i see? i would see the depths of who i am. i would see the infinity of who He is and His love for me. we would communicate on the level beyond the limits of words.

but what a bold move to make. for to lock eyes with God is to expose myself completely. perhaps i will wonder at what i see about Him, but i am afraid most of what i will see about myself. i know, however, that when i do look, all my fears now will be washed over and lost in His love. so i pray and ask that my Lord would lift this head, now hung in shame, and gently lift this face so that my eyes would meet His.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
look full in His wonderful face
and the things of earth will grow strangely dim
in the light of His glory and grace.

My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, LORD , I will seek.
~Psalm 27:8~

JUST WHINING

i don't wanna studyyyyyy!!!!!!!!

ok. enough of that. i need discipline. :p

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
~Hebrews 12:11~

...BUT NOT LOST

a continuation of my previous posting: (thanks for all your comments, it's reassuring to know i'm not walking alone :D )

being bored of reading the other day, my thoughts turned to my heart's tendency to wander. and i asked God exactly what Henri Nouwen put so eloquently. only, in my head, it was more like, "are You not enough?!?!" i wrestled with the fact that no matter how many times i had surrendered, it seemed like i was still holding on. and in the quiet of the shade of the tree, God showed me a simple fact: His grace is sufficient. that means i can come for more, as many times as i want. and He doesn't mind.

so to me, this is the truth that set me free: i am not perfect. and God does not expect me to be. :D so i should not expect me to be. maybe it's not much to you, but it's profound for me.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
~2 Corinthians 12:9~

PRONE TO WANDER

Why, O Lord, is it so hard for me to keep my heart directed toward you? Why do the many little things I want to do, and the many people I know, keep crowding my mind, even during the hours that I am totally free to be with you and
you alone? Why does my mind wander off in so many directions, and why does my heart desire the things that lead me astray? Are you not enough for me? Do I keep doubting your love and care, your mercy and grace? Do I keep wondering, in the center of my being, whether you will give me all I need if I just keep my eyes on you?

Please accept my distractions, my fatigue, my irritations, and my faithless wanderings. You know me more deeply and fully than I know myself. You love me with a greater love than I can love myself. You even offer me more than I can desire. Look at me, see me in all my misery and inner confusion, and let me sense your presence in the midst of my turmoil. All I can do is show myself
to you. Yet, I am afraid to do so. I am afraid that you will reject me. But I know--with the knowledge of faith--that you desire to give me your love. The only thing you ask of me is not to hide from you, not to run away in despair, not to act as if you were a relentless despot.

Take my tired body, my confused mind, and my restless soul into your arms and give me rest, simple quiet rest. Do I ask too much too soon? I should not worry about that. You will let me know. Come Lord Jesus, come. Amen.
~Henri Nouwen

prone to wander, Lord, i feel it; prone to leave the God i love.
here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it; seal it for Thy courts above.

Wait for the LORD ;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the LORD .

~Psalm 27:14~

WHAT DID I MISS IN CLASS?

i'm taking a correspondance course and we had an orientation meeting last week. not surprisingly, many people didn't show. the following is my prof's posting in response to the countless inquiries of "what did i miss?"

Did I Miss Anything

Question frequently asked by
students after missing a class

Nothing. When we realized you weren't here
we sat with our hands folded on our desks
in silence, for the full two hours

Everything. I gave an exam worth
40 per cent of the grade for this term
and assigned some reading due today
on which I'm about to hand out a quiz
worth 50 per cent

Nothing. None of the content of this course
has value or meaning
Take as many days off as you like:
any activities we undertake as a class
I assure you will not matter either to you or me
and are without purpose

Everything. A few minutes after we began last time
a shaft of light descended and an angel
or other heavenly being appeared
and revealed to us what each woman or man must do
to attain divine wisdom in this life and
the hereafter
This is the last time the class will meet
before we disperse to bring this good news to all people
on earth

Nothing. When you are not present
how could something significant occur?

Everything. Contained in this classroom
is a microcosm of human existence
assembled for you to query and examine and ponder
This is not the only place such an opportunity has been
gathered

but it was one place

And you weren't here

~Tom Wayman

Originally from: The Astonishing Weight of the Dead.
Vancouver: Polestar, 1994.

A student is not above his teacher, nor a servant above his master.

~Matthew 10:24~

PEACE, SAFETY AND GOD'S HANDS

two thoughts, one image.

one. for the past month or so, i've been dealing with anxiety stemming from the upcoming changes in my life (ie, i'm moving away for a year) coupled with a lack of consistent times with God. on friday, our fellowship did a review on the book of philippians in the form of a scavenger hunt. for one of the activities, we were told to find the room with the overhead projector and think about the word that was on the wall. the word that we had to reflect upon was peace. and honestly, that was the exact word i needed to be reminded of. i'd never intentionally sat down to think about what peace was, things associated with it or what God says about it so it was an awesome experience just letting my mind explore the word. i concluded that my definition of peace for now is resting cradled in the hand of God.

two. a bunch of people from my church came to my house on saturday to hear me share about what made me decide to go for a year of missions. naturally, many people had concerns for my parents, asking them if they were scared to see their only daughter go so far away. my dad's response was that no matter where we go in life, there is no safe place. the safest place we think is our house, but even there, freak accidents can happen - eg, a number of years ago, a plane crashed into a house down the street from us. i'd like to think that the safest place to be is in the hands of God. 'cuz no matter what happens externally, if my soul is secure, i'm secure.

and so, i am at peace. and how very sweet that is.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
~Philippians 4:6-7~

VISUALIZING SPIRIT

for any artists out there with artists' block, here's a surefire remedy: wander the streets of New York City. last weekend, i was down there with a friend and her dad and i was blown away at the amount of creativity and intriguing material we came across. but that's not what this post is about. ;p

during a discussion about the role of theatre, her dad said something to the effect of "art is the expression of the spirit." my friend responded by saying the difference between humans and animals is that we create art. on the surface, art seems frivolous - a waste of energy and material. but if you were to take art away, i think people would literally go crazy. so even though art is not a neccessity to physical survival, it is needed for mental wellness. so back to the expression of the spirit... this is where humans reflect the nature of God: in the act of creating something for beauty and/or expression. perhaps this is why people feel closest to God when they create (whether it be art, music or another human life)...

In the beginning, God created...
~Genesis 1:1~

IT WASN'T THAT EASY

so seven weeks after the release of a movie isn't too bad, is it? ;p yes, on the third attempt, my plans to watch The Passion of the Christ with my friend *finally* worked out. :D and now i can actually say that i don't think it was worth all that hype. not to say i thought the movie was bad. it was definitely a well made movie. and a powerful movie (which, i believe is due to having the most powerful story to begin with). it also did get people thinking about Jesus and hopefully more interested in reading the Bible for themselves (at least it did for my friend). but, it was a movie.

coming out of it, i had two main thoughts. the first one being, this is my life. this act that i and all the people in the theatre with me were watching is the reason i live. it's the reason i'm putting aside my theatre ambitions for at least this year. it's the reason why i'm taking one of the scariest steps of my life so far to move to a different country. it's the reason i breathe. it was actually kind of odd for me watching Christ's crucifixion portrayed on the big screen. Jesus' death and resurrection have always been an intensely personal experience for me. i mean, when i read the scriptures, i imagine it in my head, right? so here i am, watching someone else's picture of what they think it looked like. and my friend sitting next to me is essentially watching the core of who i am. weird.

my second thought came to me near the end of the movie. the words that came to mind as the camera panned out into a birds-eye view of the three crosses were, it wasn't that easy, which seams like a strange thought to come right after seeing such a graphic death. my first reaction to those words were, "easy?? easy???? that was hardly anything but easy..." but what it meant was that what i just watched was a movie. it was a bunch of makeup and latex. yes, it was hard work and an excruciating process for both the actors and the audience to go through, but in reality, we can never grasp the sheer massiveness of Christ's sacrifice. there is just no way we, with our finite minds, can ever fathom the extent of the experience - no amount of blood or torture will ever do it justice. no words, no images, no thoughts. we just don't know. and the worst experience we can imagine is comparatively easy to what it took for Jesus to defeat Satan. and all for us?!!!

so i come away from this movie realizing two things. one, that Jesus Christ is more real to me than i thought. and two, that i can identify with Paul when he said that he was the worst of sinners. i am taken aback at the graciousness and generosity of God. and i am in full admiration of the perseverence of Christ - that He did not turn away and take the easy road out.

all for me.

all for you.

all for us.

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners–of whom I am the worst.
~ 1 Timothy 1:15 ~

ALL MY STRENGTH

a story from my pastor:

a little boy was out playing in the sandbox one sunny afternoon when he came across a large rock in the middle of the box. not wanting it there, he tried to remove it. but small as he was, he could not lift it. it didn't even budge when he kicked it. finally, after a lot of pushing and straining, he managed to inch it over to the edge of his sandbox. but he still couldn't get it out. just then, his dad came out to check on him. seeing his dismay at the rock, the father asked him one question, "did you use all your strength to move that rock?" "of course, dad!" the child replied, "i've pushed, and kicked and tried with all my might! but the rock is still there." then, bending down to pick up the rock, the dad said, "no, son, you haven't used all your strength. you didn't ask me."

how many times we try to struggle on our own, thinking we've used all our strength, when there is a greater Source we haven't considered as ours.

If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ.
~ 1 Peter 4:11 ~

ONLY A LITTLE BABY GIRL

a song by A.B. Simpson (public domain)

Only a little baby girl, dead by the riverside;
Only a little Chinese child, drowned by the floating tide!
Over the boat too far she leaned watching the dancing wave.
Over the brink she fell, and sank, but there was none to save.

If she had only been a boy, they would have heard her cry.
But she was just a baby girl, and she was left to die.
It was her fate, perhaps, they said, why should they interfere?
Had she not always been a curse, why should they keep her here?

So they have left her little form, floating upon the wave.
She was too young to have a soul, why should she have a grave?
Yes, and there's many another lamb out on the desert wild
Thrown by the road and riverside, flung to the beasts of prey.

Is there a mother's heart tonight clasping her darling child,
Willing to leave these helpless lambs out on the desert wild?
Is there a little Christian girl, Happy in love and home,
Living in selfish ease while they out on the mountains roam?

Think as you lie on your little cot, smoothed by a mother's hand;
Think of the little baby girls over in China's land;
Ask if there is not something more even a child can do.
And if perhaps, in China's land, Jesus has need of you.

Only a little baby girl, dead by the riverside.
Only a little Chinese child, drowned by the floating tide.
But it has brought a vision vast. Dark as the nation's woe;
Oh, has it left one willing heart, answering, “I will go?”

My sheep wandered over all the mountains and on every high hill. They were scattered over the whole earth, and no one searched or looked for them.
~Ezekiel 34:6~

"HELPING" DADDY

on top of my piano, there is a collection of pictures ranging from my baby photo to my high school grad portrait. nestled among the more faded ones is one that i'm particularly fond of. it was taken when i was about three. i was outside of our old house with my dad. perhaps it was a saturday afternoon when he didn't have to work, but anyway, the task at hand was transferring a large mound of topsoil from in front of our garage to the backyard garden. so there my dad was, metal shovel in hand, vigorously pitching the dirt into his wheelbarrow. beside him, i too was holding my little shovel (except mine was made of blue and red plastic) , trying to get the dirt into my toddler-sized wheelbarrow. my face had a look of concentrated determination. of course, i wasn't really helping all that much, but i think my dad enjoyed having my company and sharing the experience together.

i'd like to think it's the same with the way God chooses to let us "help" Him in His work. be it showing love to others or bringing about the salvation of the world by sharing the Good News about Jesus, God could really just do it all by Himself (and do it faster and better). but because He loves and desires to share the experience with us, He lets us in on what He's doing and gives us our own set of tools (our toddler-sized wheelbarrows, so to speak). we may make messes He'll have to clean up or we may need repeated instruction, but because He is a Father who delights in His children, that's what He does. and our role as children is simply watch what Daddy's doing and jump in and copy!

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children.
~Ephesians 5:1~

LITTLE SEA TURTLE

God is moving. God is calling Chinese people who are scattered around the globe to go back to the homeland to serve Him. people have named this movement after the sea turtle because sea turtles return to the shores where they were hatched years after they first leave it. they return to hatch a new generation of sea turtles. and likewise, God is calling people so that Asia can be a great sending ground.

i am a little sea turtle. and i am praying for more to come.

"Return home and tell how much God has done for you."
~Luke 8:39~

WHEN I AM WEAK

when 24 hours in day seems too short.
when i am wasted from lack of sleep.
when my brain feels like mush pulled in 50 different directions.
when deadlines loom and things are left undone - again.
when tension resides permanently in the space between my eyes.
when people around me are crumbling under stress.
when darkness seems to be stronger than light.
when i am faithless.

YOU ARE

strong.
faithful.
unchanging.
perfect.
rest.
love.
YWH. Almighty God.

'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty.
~Zechariah 4:6~

11:11

11:11 is my favourite minute of the day. and whenever i catch it on my clock, i get all smiley. why is it my favourite minute? it's completely symmetrical! yes, i know, i'm a nerd. but it's true, i love it because it mirrors itself both verticaly and horizontally. i know 10:01 also does that, but i like 11:11 better. sometimes, when i notice my clock reading 11:10, i keep glancing back at the clock hoping it'll read 11:11. but waiting for it seems to take forever. and when 11:11 finally hits, it seems like less than 60 seconds before the clock hits 11:12. as if the clock knows it's my favourite minute so it runs a little faster.

why am i writing this sillyness? no, it's not so you can be even more convinced that i'm a nut. i realized that just like life, many times we wait in excited anticipation for something good to happen. and when it does, it seems to come and go so much quicker than we want it to. but in the process of being so focused on that one event, we neglect to treasure the time leading up to it. 11:10 is one minute of life, just as much as 11:11, but in waiting for the favourite minute, i forget to be present in that minute before. and what's true for this minute is also true for many other aspects of life. in waiting for the summer, the wonder of spring is overlooked. in waiting for "life in the real world," the freedom of being a student is trivialized. and in anticipation of the day i find my husband (or, he finds me), i neglect to truly treasure all the friendships i already have. so while 11:11 makes me smile and do a happy dance, it also reminds me to love 11:10 and 11:09 and... because every minute is a gift from above.

Teach us to make the most of our time,
so that we may grow in wisdom.
~Psalm 90:12 [NLT]~

BEEF

postings coming fast and furious, aren't they? ;) too bad ideas for school projects aren't flowing at the same rate...

aaaanyway, HUGE DISCLAIMER: the following is a rant. while i hope it contains some solid reasoning, i also realize it may potentially ruffle some feathers. please correct me if my thinking is off track. but i think i should speak my mind. 'cuz too often, i don't. take it as an invitation; an excercise for the brain.

many people have asked me if i have seen The Passion of The Christ yet. i have not. and until last thursday, i had no intention of seeing it in the theatres. i had wanted to watch it at home for several reasons, one being the fact that i don't like seeing violence to begin with, much less blown up to much larger than life proportions on a huge screen. having said that, please keep in mind as you read this that this is coming from the perspective of one who has yet to see it.

i am going tomorrow. but for now, here we go...

i have a beef about this whole church hoopla over The Passion movie. as someone trying to be a witness for Christ amongst a class of skeptics, it makes it really difficult when my friends see hypocricy stamped all over this item. just because the movie is about Christ, it doesn't mean everyone should mindlessly go skipping to their closest movie theatre. maybe i'm being self-righteous, but it seems to me like most Christians are going because everyone else is going and church leaders are endorsing it. and if people are going because they want to identify with Christ's suffering so they can appreciate Him more, something is wrong. the way i see it, Christians should not need a movie to be deeply distressed about their sinful condition or grasp the enormity of Christ's suffering. anyone who actually lets the Bible sink in - especially certain passages in Isaiah, like Isaiah 53 - will be brought to their knees in tears. please tell me that after reading something like "his appearance was so disfigured beyond that of any man
and his form marred beyond human likeness" (Isaiah 52:14) someone doesn't still picture a clean, pastel coloured Christ, hanging gracefully on the cross. i guess it annoys me that Christians are touting the movie as "a great chance to outreach," a fact that i don't dispute. my problem is that when outreach is not backed by love and a lifestyle consistent with the message, it's superficial and non-Christians are the first ones to see right through the veneer. how you live before this movie and after this movie is worth way more than the act of watching the movie with a friend. people are hurting everywhere, dying, and we say, let's go see a movie? perhaps i am just bitter because the zeal of religious groups has turned my friends off and it hurts me to see that.

i do agree that the movie has its merits. it has generated a lot of discussion and lifted off some of the taboos about talking about Jesus Christ. it has also meant that instead of sitting in a Missions Conference, discussing about missions, people are actually inviting their firends out and actively involving themselves in missions.

i have a problem with the Christian consumer culture that's seen also in the latest music CDs and WWJD paraphenalia. i don't think the tools are wrong, i just think it's wrong when they become the focus. the gospel of the grace of God is power in itself and the Word of God is weapon enough. people will be attracted to Christ when they see Him alive through our love, not because of a big screen movie or any other item or event.

i think some people have lost perspective that it is only a movie. while i believe strongly in the use of the arts to touch people (i've spent the last 9 years studying it!), in the end, it is a tool. this movie is a work of art, one man's interpretation of what happened. for all we know, the violence could have been worse - or less severe. i had a booklet on my desk titled, "The Passion of the Christ: True or False?" it was subtitled, "see the movie and decide for yourself." my friend picked it up and snickered, "right, as if i couldn't just, oh, read the Bible and decide?" i think i'd have to agree with her.

along the lines of torture, i also think we're forgetting that Christ's physical pain and agony was not the worst part of it. if you read the Bible (see a theme emerging?), it tells us that Jesus' spirit was separated from His Father when He died on the cross. the truly excruciating part of the ordeal was the spiritual experience none of us will never be able to grasp fully - precisely because Christ went through it. Jesus went to hell - the place where God is absent, the place where love is absent. THIS, in my mind, was the most agonizing part of Christ's Passion - what we cannot see on a screen.

sometimes, i wish people would think for themselves more. and Christians, of all people, are called to be in but not of this world. we are called to love God with all our minds. yes, i am grateful for this movie. i'm glad it is generating so much buzz. but why are you going to see it? to catch the "Christian," church-approved wave? i surely hope not. i'm not saying i haven't fallen into thinking any of these things i have just spent half an hour venting about. but we just have to remember: this is a movie. this is a tool. God's WORD is what our faith is based on and God's LOVE is what people notice. let's keep some perspective.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
~1 Corinthians 13:1~

EXCUSE ME, I LOVE YOU!

my pastor was talking about Outrageous Love today and he shared an illustration from his own life. almost a year ago, his four-year-old son was diagnosed with cancer and every day since then, my pastor has made it a priority to tell his son that Daddy loves him - at least three times a day. "lately, however, [my son] seems to be outdoing me," he explained. "about twenty times a day, he'll look at me and say 'excuse me! excuse me daddy, i love you!' right in the middle of whatever we're doing. and i, in turn, will look at him and tell him 'i love you, too.' it doesn't matter where we are, at home, in the hospital, at a restaurant, in the washroom, he'll say it." my pastor continued to tell us that it feels like he's squeezing in a lifetime of love into whatever time they have left. and in the same way, Jesus, while He was on the cross, was squeezing in a lifetime of love into those few final hours.

i think that just like my pastor's son, Jesus was (and still is) also saying to us, "excuse me, i love you!" and really, we wouldn't be worse for the wear either if we made a practice of saying it to those who are dear to us.

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.
~Hebrews 10:24~

BECAUSE

i was studying Revelations chapter 7 the other day, thinking about the worship songs the angels and saints were singing when i realized that those worship songs were different from what we tend to sing in north america today.

verse 10:

"Salvation belongs to our God,
who sits on the throne,
and to the Lamb."

verse 12:

"Amen!
Praise and glory
and wisdom and thanks and honor
and power and strength
be to our God for ever and ever.
Amen!"

notice how God is praised so much more for who He is rather than what He's done. and i got to thinking, God deserves our praise and worship simply because He is. even if He had never given us a way out of our sin, even if He was not the gracious and loving God He is, the simple fact that He is so beyond us warrants praise from us. so if that's where we start, how much MORE does He deserve our praise in light of the gift of Jesus Christ!

God said to Moses, "I am who I am .
~Exodus 3:14~

THIS IS LIFE

at least for now, here on earth, this is life. i just received a phone call from a staff at UrbanPromise, the inner-city ministry i worked with four years ago. one of the youths i worked with was killed in a shooting last night. i was asked if i could go in today to help give counselling and support the rest of the kids. but logistically, i can't. and i haven't seen the kids in so long that i don't know how helpful i would be. the most (and perhaps best thing?) i can do is cover them all in prayer.

God, i feel so helpless. so small. and why You would choose to allow me to step into BlueBoy's life for that brief summer remains a mystery to me. Lord, give me the faith to live by the truth that You are good, even in times like this. help me not to take any day of life for granted, whether it be mine or anyone else's. Jesus, i eagerly await the day when there will be no more tears, no more injustice, no more suffering children. may your great commission be fulfilled soon so that this day can happen.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
~Revelations 21:4~

WHO I WANNA BE

ok, not exactly who i want to be, but a description of someone i'd like to have apply to myself. i love how the Bible is so full of great people. and the exciting thing is that one day, there'll be a great reunion and we'll have forever to swap stories! so who is this mysterious person?

Barnabas.

When he arrived and saw the evidence of the grace of God, he was glad and encouraged them all to remain true to the Lord with all their hearts. He was a good man, full of the Holy Spirit and faith, and a great number of people were brought to the Lord.
~Acts 11:23-24~

QUESTION OF THE HEART

been thinking about love lately, not because of Valentine's day though. ;) been thinking about the line, or whether there is a line, between loving without fear and guarding one's heart. all the books and talks etc about dating and relationships always cite Proverbs 4:23 - "Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life." while i appreciate that nugget of wisdom, a part of me also wonders whether one can be so concerned about guarding his/her heart that the heart begins to live in fear. because in 1 John 4:18, it says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." conversely, if one loves people so much that the heart seems unguarded, is that necessarily a bad thing? is that not the type of love God has for us?

if Proverbs 4 is read in its entirety, it is actually a warning against allowing sin to enter the heart. so could it be that verse 23 has been taken out of context? i think there is definitely a line for guarding the heart against lust, but against love? perhaps this is only a personal misconception. but i've come to realize i live with much fear. so if i am to live completely in the love of Christ, i suppose i must also let down my guard against love - because loving people comes with the prospect of rejection and there's no getting around that. God loves us this way, Jesus loves us this way and so i must learn to love.

however, i think that loving with reckless abandon is only possible if one is grounded in the love of Christ - because He is the source of security when rejection from people hits.

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.
~1 John 3:16~

CALLER ID

postings have been slow as of late. it's because my brain is pretty much perpetually fried. anyway, yesterday, i was reminded again of why i love being in ministry and meeting up with the froshies every week - i learn so much from them! we were investigating 1 Samuel yesterday, talking about how Samuel came to recognize the voice of God when the student leading the discussion proposed an analogy. he said that the Bible is like caller ID on our phones. it shows us who the call is from. just as Samuel recognized God's voice when the Word of God was revealed to him, so we can recognize God's voice when we know His Word.

and so, my theme for this year continues: knowing and loving the Word of God more and more.

I will bow down toward your holy temple and will praise your name for your love and your faithfulness,
for you have exalted above all things your name and your word.
~Psalm 138:2~

THIS FIGHT

last night, i finished reading Safely Home by Randy Alcorn. i can honestly say that i have never been impacted by one novel as much as i've been by this one. it totally opened my eyes to the persecuted church around the world and it challenged me to think about what i really value and what i'm living for. it also gave me a glimpse of how wonderful heaven will be. it is seriously such a good book i want to make everyone i know read it! ;)

anyway, i'll post more later but i'll leave you with this poem for now.

"Prayer penetrates the hearts we cannot open,

Shields those we cannot guard,
Teaches where we cannot speak,
And comforts where our hearts have no power to soothe."

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
~Ephesians 6:18~

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE

last night at ccf, we were asked this question, "what's important to you?" being one of the first few people to share, i said that people and investing my life into them was important to me. but as more of the group shared, i realized that that wasn't what was most important to me. as far as i can think of right now, the underlying thought that shapes almost all my decisions is this: on that day, when i face my King Jesus, will i be able to look Him in the face and say, "look what i did with what You gave me! the talents, the people, the time, the knowledge, my life... look! i didn't waste any!"

today, i started reading a novel called Safely Home by Randy Alcorn. it's about the persecuted church in China and i've heard tons of good stuff about it. i'm about 20 pages in and it has already challenged me in terms of my faithfulness to God.

so if i were to answer that question again, i would say, "staying faithful to Jesus is most important to me."

Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?
~Proverbs 20:6~

...when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?
~Luke 18:8~

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

took this weekend to relax and recuperate after a frenetic month of non-stop craziness. feeling much refreshed and readier to face the next frenetic month of non-stop craziness. ;p

anyway, here's a thought for ya: we know that in the garden of Gethsemane, before being betrayed and crucified, Jesus prayed that God's will, rather than his own would be done. somehow, i think he would have prayed the same prayer the night before he chose his disciples and was told to choose Judas as one of the twelve. as a Christian, i am to emulate the example of Christ... so i must ask myself, do i have the humility and faith to choose to live by God's will even when it seems foolish to common sense?

Jesus prayed, "Father, remove this cup from me. But please, not what I want. What do you want?"
~Luke 22:42 [the Message]~

I'M ADDICTED

little-known fact of the day: the root word for addiction comes from the latin word addicine, meaning to surrender. so if my life is surrendered to Christ, can i say i'm addicted to God?

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
~Galatians 2:20~

BROTHERS

growing up as an only child with no male cousins or friends my age, i had always wanted a brother. more specifically, i wanted an older brother. i guess it's rather typical of a girl to want someone to watch out for her. anyway, unless time could be turned back and history changed, it's literally impossible for me to get what i wanted. but this week, i've realized just how many brothers i have in the larger family of God. being the emotionally taxing week it was, God sent various men to support and encourage me, as well as just check up on me to make sure i didn't burn myself out. so although i may never have a biological brother, i now see how God has blessed me with many spiritual brothers. and oh how thankful i am for their love.

Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the saints.
~Philemon 1:7~

ROLLERCOASTER RIDE

funny how one moment, i felt like i was on top of things and the next i realized i'm actually at the bottom of a pit.

Hear, O LORD , and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.
Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.
You are my God; save your servant
who trusts in you.
Have mercy on me, O Lord,
for I call to you all day long.
Bring joy to your servant,
for to you, O Lord,
I lift up my soul.
~Psalm 86:1-4~

RUNNING WITH HORSES

so in the midst of some crazy times, here's a verse my best friend sent to me. both challenging and inspiring...

If you have raced with men on foot, and they have made you weary, how can you compete with horses?
~Jeremiah 12:5~

POISON

lesson of the day: even though it may seem like the easier option at the time, resist the urge to sweep small resentments under the rug. they will accumulate and haunt you. and then you won't know how to deal with them. (ok, so maybe i just don't know how to deal with them now...).

i need help.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
~1 Corinthians 13:4-7~

OUCH

i always remember Philippians chapter 2 as the humility chapter. the first half of it talks about Christ not considering equality with God something to be grasped but humbling Himself to the point of death on a cross. the second section talks about being blameless and pure so that we can shine like stars in a dark world as we hold out the word of life. what i never really looked at was the end of the chapter. on friday, that's what i got to do. and verse 21 hit me hard. basically, Paul was commending Timothy to the church in Philippi as a man worth honouring and he contrasts Timothy's genuine interest in them with the general population who are completely absorbed in their own selves.

thinking about that further and seeing how it came on the heels of the humility blurb, i realized that i'd found the key to increasing humility. to be humble, we must consider the interests of Jesus. in other words, when we care about what Christ cares about, we will be humble. when we take genuine interest in the people around us, it is inevitable that we put our own interests aside. humility, then, is a question of whose interests we take to heart - our own, or God's.

For everyone looks out for his own interests, not those of Jesus Christ.
~Philippians 2:21~

THE 5 W'S

i was reading Genesis 3:1-9 the other day, looking at the fall of man and God's initiative love in seeking Adam and Eve even when He knew they had sinned. i thought about how gracious God is and how selfless He is to give us another chance. then, i saw how God allowed Adam and Eve to come clean on their own accord by simply asking a question ("Where are you?"). and as i thought about God's approach toward reaching people, i saw how i could learn from Him in my own outreach endeavours. so many times, i'm so concerned about the message i want to tell that i don't even think to hear about the other person's story. i realized that i need to learn how to ask more questions 'cuz questions signify interest in the other person. but going deeper than that, i first need to love, 'cuz i can't ask good questions unless i truly care.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
~Romans 5:8~

SILVER LINING

so my computer in res is not working and i don't have the time to get someone to fix it... and while i lament not having the convenience of information at my fingertips, i'm learning that it can really be a blessing. for one thing, it forces me to sleep earlier 'cuz i'm not up staring at the screen chatting to people. another thing is that not having it allows me to be more productive with my time. i guess you don't realize how much time gets sucked into this square contraption until you can't use it. i think i'll be glad when i get my computer up and running again 'cuz life will seem more normal. but i think for now, i need the forced discipline so i can actually get all my work done. ;p

oh dear.

The diligent find freedom in their work;
the lazy are oppressed by work.
~Proverbs 12:24 [the Message]~

WHAT'S YOUR MUSIC?

first entry of 2004! let me just say that i am so excited about this year. it's going to be a year of crazy hard work, but oh, it's such a satisfying thing. :)

anyway, this past week, i was hanging with friends from C² at their EWC down at the Sheraton Centre. i couldn't have asked God for a better end to the year or start to the new year. :D

in the final evening session before the new year's party started, the speaker, Dr. Crawford Loritts explained Joshua 1:8. the verse talks about meditating on God's word night and day and the illustration he used really got to me. he said that the word for "meditate" actually means something more like let it be background music to your day. running with that analogy, i think my background "music" is mostly static these days. so my prayer for this year especially is this: that i would immerse myself in God's word so that it can become background music for all my thoughts - because knowing God's word is the foundation to knowing Him.

amen!

Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.
~Joshua 1:8~