THE COTTAGE

i've discovered that i'm a very angry person. surprised? yeah, so am i.

i finished reading Delighting God by Victoria Brooks last night. in it, she tells the story of Helen Keller and her teacher, Anne Sullivan during the initial stages of their relationship. knowing that Helen's well-meaning parents would interfere with her teaching, Anne Sullivan takes Helen to a cottage for two weeks, during which she patiently and strong mindedly re-trains young Helen. after these two weeks, Helen has learned how to be a civilized member of society. however, her teacher wanted more from her. Anne Sullivan wanted nothing less than Helen Keller's freedom. the cottage experience was just the beginning.

the author goes on to say that similarly, in our lives, God takes us to the Cottage so that He can take our bad habits away from us and make us into acceptable Kingdom subjects. and likewise, His aim is not merely for our civilization. God wants our freedom.

honestly speaking, i think i'm in the Cottage right now. i can't understand why God has to make me face so many things, why He has to challenge me so much. why He can't just leave me alone to rest! i'm thrashing about, throwing tantrums everywhere and as much as i want to run away, everywhere i turn, He's there. my perspective of Him at the moment is that He is a demanding teacher, stripping me of everything i've grown accustomed to. oh, i know He loves me and that's why He does this. but my finite mind just seems a little too small (or perhaps i'm too immature) to grasp His GOODNESS in all this. or maybe His goodness is being clouded over by my discomfort.

i switched over from soft contact lenses to hard ones yesterday. it sucks. i was amply warned beforehand that my eyes would itch, that it would be uncomfortable and that i'd want to give up. it still sucks. and it's hard to be patient when i can't see properly and all i'm waiting for is for my body to get used to it. i'm so completely helpless. i can't change a thing. i guess that's what this boils down to: i feel trapped.

so here i am stuck in the Cottage. full of anger. and desperately, desperately needing God.

Jesus loves me, this I know
for the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak but He is strong
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me,
the Bible tells me so.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
~Hebrews 11:1~

MORE ON ADAM AND EVE

so recently i finished reading Donald Miller's "Searching for God Knows What" (which i found to be a refreshing look at the meaning and relevance of the gospel story and highly recommend it to anyone). in it, he writes an account of his imagined story of the time between Adam's creation and Eve's creation. he reasons that it probably took Adam a hundred (lonely) years of naming animals before God put him to sleep and made Eve. so Adam waited a very long time before Eve showed up.

reading on in Genesis, the same pattern is found. Isaac waits for Rebekah. Jacob waits for Rachel. the list goes on.

so ever since the very beginning, men have waited for women.

just an observation. :)

But the fruit of the Spirit is... patience...
~Galatians 5:22~

REFUGE

when God decides enough's enough and He orchestrates events and circumstances to break my pride and wean me off my self-reliance, my old self raises a lot of stink. like waves crashing violently and mountains hurtling into the heart of the sea, turmoil fills my soul.

this week, i was finally forced to come to terms with the possibility that i might be sick. *gasp*, i know. but it's not the flu or cold type sick. all these years, i've been coping with indigestion and belly aches and now, i'm driven to admit that something might be wrong with me. this thing that i've attributed to stress, that i've asked countless times for prayer for, could very well be a problem with the way my body is wired to mis-function (if that's even a word). made with a flaw in the system. i could be sick for life.

"it's hard to come to terms with our limitations," my dear friend counseled me over tea and cookies tonight. she had me pegged. i could try to emphathize with the many people around me who have various kinds of illnessess and disabilities, but i really thought i was invincible. that i was untouchable. and now i find myself in deep appreciation of all those who are in much worse positions than myself yet continue to live to their fullest, making the most of every day.

oh that God would grant me a heart of gratitude! that i would remember that EVERY thing comes from His hand. i want to be able to say with Paul that His grace is sufficient for me; that His power is made perfect in weakness; that i will boast all the more about my weaknesses because that's when His glory is manifested most brilliantly.

i hate change. i really do. and i hate having my weaknesses, self-centeredness and immaturity exposed. it's so uncomfortable but so necessary. and the truth of the matter is, God is good. no matter what.

Rock of Ages cleft for me,
let me hide myself in Thee.

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
~Psalm 46:1-3~

WONDER

ever wonder at a sunset? brilliant hues and shades of orange and red slowly shifting into pinks, purples and blues as the light slips away and the sky is blanketed with darkness. trees slowly become silhouettes and the faint song of the stars grows louder and clearer. we sit in our cars, or homes, or, if we're fortunate, on a park bench or somewhere in the wilderness, watching the drama unfold overhead. that is, if we even notice.

but where is God? He is outside of time and space(!). how is it that One who exists beyond the limits of our earth can go about creating such stunning sculptures of light for our eyes to see? each strand of colour that reaches my eye is a result of something refracting somewhere out there. and God purposed for each and every particle of the air to be just right so that i would see what i see.

ever wonder how a sunset looks to God?

When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?
~Psalm 8:3-4~

THOROUGHNESS

one of my favourite passages, i've discovered, is Genesis chapter 2 - God's creation of man and woman. it's the way things were supposed to be, life in its completeness before the fall. and maybe because i'm a woman, i especially like this passage. because it really tells the story of how woman came to be.

recently, i re-read this passage and i was struck by a detail i'd read before but never grasped the significance of.

So the LORD God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep. He took one of Adam's ribs and closed up the place from which he had taken it.
~Genesis 2:21~

God closed up the place. I love what this says about the throroughness of God! He didn't just leave it an open gaping wound. He is considerate and consciencious. He doesn't leave half-finished projects lying around. He put things back in place. Because at the heart of it all, He cares. How wonderful it is to know that our God is One who attends to every detail and completes everything He begins.

And I am sure that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again.
~Philippians 1:6~

A TIME NOT TO DANCE

an excerpt from a recent journal entry:

I am a sheep grazing in Your pasture. My eyes meet Your gaze. I am filled with a flood of Your love and kindness. I want to love You back. I want to dance and eat grass like a good sheep and be pleasing to You. I do not, however, amble over to You and let You hold me or stroke me. Why? I am still highly performance driven. Why do I keep my distance from You? Because I don't believe You love me that much. Huh.

Lord, change my beliefs that I would respond to your love by drawing near and letting You hold me.

I imagine it again. This time, I am awash with your love but I cannot move. So I stand there, frozen. And I bow my head, partly because I'm shy, partly because of shame. You walk over, bend down and pick me up. What grace!

Why am I shy? What is making me feel ashamed? I find it hard to believe You'd want me to come over to you because You are so beautiful, perfect and great (in the original bigness sense of the word). I'm ashamed because I know what You'd like but I can't seem to pick my feet up. I'm too in awe of You. I'm also ashamed because I know I'm not the softest sheep to hold and that I have burrs and grass all tangled up in my wool. I'm embarassed! I wish I could be perfect before I came to you.

The Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve. I want to pick those burrs out of your wool.

Take three. This time, as I'm grazing, I'm aware that my wool is stuck with stuff and it's been a while since I've sat on Your lap. When our gaze meets, I happily saunter over to Your feet. You bend down, pick me up and put me on Your lap as You sit on a rock. You gently begin to stroke me, picking out the weeds and burrs in my wool. We spend an afternoon there. You, speaking softly, sometimes telling me mysteries of the world You created, sometimes sharing what's on Your heart and sometimes singing over me. Me, content. Just listening and learning from my Master.

How mysterious and wonderful is Your love, Jesus!

For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.
~Mark 10:45~