BREAKING FREE

when a butterfly breaks out of its cocoon, it struggles - long and hard. but in the process of struggling to get out of the cocoon, it pushes the extra fluid out of its wings so that when it is released, it can fly. if you were to "help" the butterfly along by cutting the cocoon, you would end up with a half developed butterfly that can only fall to the ground.

as much as i hate to admit it, i need to struggle, too.

"guard your heart," God said. but it was too easy not to listen. we're only friends, we can talk every day, go for dinner alone, hang out - just the two of us...

"guard your heart," He whispered. but God, you're still first in my life! i still spend time with you every morning. it's true, i might be thinking of him more these days, but...

"guard your heart." i'm trying!!! really. it feels nice to be treated special though...

"guard your heart, my love." i've failed, God. my heart hurts. now i see why commitment is essential before emotional intimacy should be entertained. i deceived myself. i was selfish. not only did i not guard my own heart, i didn't guard his either! i'm sorry, Lord! heal me?

"i always love you. you are my child." right. i'd almost forgotten...

i guess sometimes i need to fall before i understand a lesson. hopefully, i've learned this one this time.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
Proverbs 4:23

REFRIGERATOR ART

one of my all-time worship analogies was given to me by a dear friend while he was leading worship. he said that our worship in the eyes of God is like refrigerator art. just as a parent proudly displays his child's art on the family fridge, God sees our offerings as something valuable to be treasured and shared. the art may not be fabulous - a few "circles", colouring outside the lines, or even (as another friend of mine described it) froot loops stuck on construction paper - but it is viewed with delight and joy.

God does not demand that we are perfect before he takes pride in us. he only asks that we give him our all and our best. of course, that is not easy. but it gives me comfort knowing that i can present all of me - the broken parts, the hurting parts, as well as the fully functioning parts - and he prizes me just the same.

how awesome it is to be, first and foremost, a beloved child of God!!

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
Ephesians 3:17-19

LIGHTWALKING

today was my first time being on a film set. production: THE FIREBIRD by the National Ballet of Canada. i was recruited by one of my profs to help paint the set. when i got there, i realized i knew the lighting designer. he asked me if i was free on friday to do some lightwalking... basically, they'll pay me to walk around the set under the lights so they can see if the intensity, focus and colour are to their liking. personally, i think it's a great term.

lightwalking.

then i realized... that's how i want to live my life in Christ. walking in His light. i want to be a lightwalker for life! of course, it's not quite the same as lightwalking for a film crew. in Jesus, i don't do it for anything or anyone other than my relationship with Him. i won't get a film credit for it. i certainly won't get paid for it. maybe someone will gain from watching me walk, or maybe not. but i believe walking in this light will be much more exciting and interesting than walking around in a cement industrial building. and the ultimate rewards will be so much richer.

"But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin."
1 John 1:7

"JUST WORDS"?

"jimminy crispers!" he said.
"jimminy crispers?"
"yep. it's the words i use instead of the religious JC words," my supervisor replied. he proceeded to defend his view that the words Jesus Christ are "just words" that mean nothing to most of the people in our society and therefore don't really matter if they're used as an expression. "any swear word is only used to convey the emotion behind it... even words like 'i'm gonna kill you' are only used as an indication of emotion. it's not like the person actually wants to kill you. they're just words. just words."

whatever happened to the value of words? according to Genesis, God spoke the world into existence. those were not just words. those were words packed with power. and what about my words? well... i'd like to think mine are not just words. that everything i say has some weight to it. but i think i'd be lying to myself.

"Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." Matthew 12:34

empty words from empty hearts?

my remedy for pride or self-righteousness:

realizing that the sins that i am tempted to frown upon in others are those exact sins that i am most capable of committing. i cannot fathom my own capacity to defy God without being disgusted, afraid and humbled. conversely, i cannot face my deepest ugliness without experiencing anew the freshness of the grace of Jesus Christ. this is where i need to come each day if i am to follow freely in His steps of servanthood without discrimination. this is how i can abandon myself.

so here i am, starting my own blog. part of me is still wondering "do i really want to be a part of this blog craze?" (it took me a year of convincing before i got icq - and i still hardly use it!), but part of me knows it's because once in a while, i have thoughts i'd like to share with the world... even if no one's listening. i know this may not be the nicest of web pages, but i hope that as life unfolds, the content can make up for the lack of aesthetics.

i don't consider this a diary or journal. i prefer handwriting that stuff. this is just a place where i can collect my observations in hopes that some insight from this silly mind of mine can encourage, challenge or inspire a passerby.

alors, thank you for entertaining my thoughts and watching me grow.

Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers.
But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.
~ Psalm 1:1-3