BEING HUMAN

it seems to me that one of the reasons why God brought me back to Canada at this time is to teach me (re-teach me?) what it means to be human. from things like eating properly - not just what kinds of foods, mind you, i mean the actual act of eating properly (ie, chewing 20 times before i swallow) - to breathing every day (ie, not just shallow breathing, but deep inhaling/exhaling), God is reminding me that i need to live well and not neglect the basics.

i'm not sure what the spiritual implications of these lessons are... perhaps that my body, frail as it is, is God's temple? but somehow i feel like i'm a toddler again. and it's nice to know that in God's eyes, there are things i'll never outgrow. :)

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honour God with your body.
~1 Cor 6:19-20~

TRUST

Olive, have you ever had acupuncture before?

looking at my naturopathic doctor, i emphatically shake my head, NO!

she looks at me, are you scared?

i emphatically nod my head, YES!

do you trust me?

how could i not trust her? we've grown up together.

so ten minutes later, i'm lying on my back with needles poking out from various points of my body. unexpected and weird, to be sure. but thankfully, not painful.

my first experience with acupuncture. and that was only a number of days ago. but as i was lying there, i got to thinking about her question, do you trust me? and i thought about how important it is to have trust. it's not only important in things like acupuncture where someone else is inserting needles into your body, but it's also important in friendships, where you have to take risks in opening yourself up to another. trust is also a key thing when it comes to our relationship with God. will i trust Him with where He's taking me? will i trust Him with what He's asking me to do? sometimes, the experiences He brings me through feel as awkward and odd as having needles poking out of my skin, but despite what i see, will i trust Him?

that, i guess, is what faith is all about.

But when I am afraid, I will trust in You.
~Psalm 56:3~

SEE THE MORNING

there are two reasons why i love the new Chris Tomlin CD. the first, is that it's a great CD both musically and lyrically. the second is because it carries much meaning in my life at this point. allow me to explain...

last year, my time overseas was THE hardest year i've experienced so far in this short quarter-century of life. ministry was slow, my health wasn't the greatest and emotionally, it was a dark dark time. God was using that year to refine me and uproot some deep things in my life - a process that was very painful.

then i came back to Toronto.

and the blessings started to pour.

not only was ministry going well, progress was happening (slowly) on the health front and God was giving me opportunities to witness to several of my friends. as if that wasn't enough, God moved a dear friend and godly man to pursue me. See The Morning was a gift from Tim to me a few days before he took the plunge and invited me into the adventure of courtship(!) [i said yes, btw :) read here for Tim's exciting re-telling of the story]

there are many remarkable things about what's happening in my life right now. but most of all, i'm amazed and comforted by the truth that our God is just as loving, faithful and worthy of praise in the dark nights as He is when the morning dawns.

...weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.
~Psalm 30:5~

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.
~Lamentations 3:22-23~

F I Z Z L E . . .

so i woke up this morning with a huge headache and a dull aching pain throughout my body. this is what happens when i push myself too hard. God, in His loving grace inflicts me with something that keeps me home, makes me cancel all appointments and causes me to sleep and sleep and sleep.

a wise friend exhorted me to read Hebrews 4 today - a chapter on entering God's place of rest. oh so convicting. i feel like He's put me back in the right place by His word. i don't want to be like the Israelites who refused to live by faith and thus forfeited the rest that He offered. i want to take hold of God's invitation to rest Today! and i'm so thankful for Jesus, my High Priest, who knew what it was to face the temptation to rely on his own strength rather than live in surrender to the Father.

i know that what i really need to do is allow God to expose the cause of my drivenness. why is it that i feel like i have to run myself dry all the time? who am i trying to please? whose standards am i trying to live up to? what lies am i believing about myself? about God? oh Lord, please set me free.

i also realize how reluctant i am to face my limitations - not only to face them, but to embrace them. God has not wired me to meet people 6 days a week and still thrive. i need to hermit a lot more than i want to accept about myself. and so i ask God to show me how He'd have me serve His people. and i ask Him to show me how to love myself as He does.

i want to have a heart at rest. a heart of faith.

So there is a special rest still waiting for the people of God. For all who have entered into God’s rest have rested from their labors, just as God did after creating the world. So let us do our best to enter that rest. But if we disobey God, as the people of Israel did, we will fall.
~Hebrews 4:9-11[NLT]~

CONNECT-THE-DOTS

in my mind, i'm standing on a page. surrounding me are lots of dots. my goal is to connect them all somehow. i draw a straight line from the dot i'm standing at to the nearest one on my right. so far so good. i draw another line. but as i'm drawing, anxiety rises in my heart - how exactly is everything going to link together? where does that dot fit in? what about this one??? what if my lines end up crossing and i end up in a mess????

this, i realize, is what i'm trying to do with the various elements of my life. i'm trying to logically make sense of things that don't seem to fit together at the moment. and i'm trying to figure it all out on my own.

God is bigger than this page of dots i'm standing on though. He is poised and ready to connect my dots. it may not be with straight lines. He may ignore some of the dots and draw some new ones. but He sees the picture He wants to create.

the question is, am i willing to let Him hold the pen?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding;
seek His will in all you do,
and He will show you which path to take.
~Proverbs 3:5-6(NLT)~

DEPTHS

this morning, i was reflecting on a very familiar psalm when some new insight broke through. (don't you love it when that happens? it's like you're reading something you've read a thousand times and even memorized when you suddenly see a phrase in a new light and it reveals a new dimension you've never thought of before.)

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
~Psalm 139:11-12~

i used to think that the author was trying to hide in the darkness - to run away from God. and that God cannot be hidden from as much as we try.

what i realized this morning was that it could be out of despair that the psalmist writes. he feels engulfed in darkness and uncertainty and thinks that surely God will not know where to rescue him from. but the hope and the truth is that God cannot be stumped by darkness. He still sees clearly through our uncertainties.

yay for a God who has perfect perspective!

All the days ordained for me
were written in Your book
before one of them came to be.
~Psalm 139:16b~

EMBRACING THE RIDICULOUSNESS OF GOD

a friend and I were musing over dim sum yesterday about faith and art and missions in Asia when out of the blue, she said something like, "until you embrace the ridiculousness of God, you don't experience the fullness of all He wants to bless you with." that's probably one of the best descriptions of how our relationship with God works. not only is salvation - the idea that God would become a man to die in our place - ridiculous, but many things God calls us to do, many steps of faith seem ridiculous. i feel like this morning i potentially wrecked something that was going well. in this case, God's holiness seems ridiculous, especially when compared to the world's standard of what's acceptable. embracing God's ridiculousness is to trust that He knows what He's asking for - and that it's for our good.

so even though all i see right now is the ridiculous, i trust that somewhere down the line, i'll see the blessing.

The king said to Daniel, "Surely your God is the God of gods and the Lord of kings and a revealer of mysteries..."
~Daniel 2:47~

THE TESTIMONY OF LEAVES
An Exerpt on God's Faithfulness from "The Holy Wild" by Mark Buchannan

A leaf. Behold a single leaf. So fragile, it tears like paper, crushes in your hand to a moist stain, sharply fragrant. Dry, it burns swift and crackling as newsprint, pungent as gunpowder. Yet a leaf may withstand hurricanes, stubbornly clinging to its limb.

Hold it open in your palm. It is perfect as a newborn's smile. Pinch its stem between thumb and forefinger and hold it to the light. Eden bleeds through. Its veins are like bone work in silhouette. This single leaf, joined to the tree, drinks poison from the air, drinks it serenely as Socrates downing his cup of hemlock, and refuses to return in kind, instead spilling out life-giving oxygen. This leaf tilts to catch the sun, its warmnth and radiance, to distill the heat and light down to the shadows, down to the roots, back up to limbs. To shade the earth. To feed you and me.

A leaf. God makes these season after season, one after the other, billions upon bilions, from the Garden to the New Jerusalem, most for no eye but His own. He does it faithfully, or else I would not live to tell about it, or you to hear.

Perhaps of all my many sins against heaven, this ranks with the worst: Until this moment, I have never thanked God for a single leaf.

I read this a while back but seeing the flaming reds and brilliant hues of orange and yellow around here, I can't help but marvel at the miracle of a single leaf - and the mystery of the big-ness of God.

For the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the LORD, as the waters cover the sea.
~Habbakuk 2:14~

ADAM'S JOB

it seems that lately, i'm on a Genesis kick. :)

i was talking to a friend one night about how God made Adam wait for Eve and gave him the job of naming the animals when the full weight of the responsibility hit me. as an artist, i usually name my works. and it bugs me when people get the name wrong. what baffles me is that God would make all these fantastic creatures and then let Adam name them! like, what if Adam called it a giraffe when God himself would have named it a dimiatee? the fact that God let Adam name his animals speaks volumes about the amount of trust that God has in us. this is how much God values his people!

similarly, i wonder God has His own set of names for us people? like Jacob, God renamed Israel. i wonder if God privately thinks of us in terms of names other than the ones our parents named us?

i guess i'll have to wait till heaven to find that one out. :p

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
~Psalm 139:17~

THE COTTAGE

i've discovered that i'm a very angry person. surprised? yeah, so am i.

i finished reading Delighting God by Victoria Brooks last night. in it, she tells the story of Helen Keller and her teacher, Anne Sullivan during the initial stages of their relationship. knowing that Helen's well-meaning parents would interfere with her teaching, Anne Sullivan takes Helen to a cottage for two weeks, during which she patiently and strong mindedly re-trains young Helen. after these two weeks, Helen has learned how to be a civilized member of society. however, her teacher wanted more from her. Anne Sullivan wanted nothing less than Helen Keller's freedom. the cottage experience was just the beginning.

the author goes on to say that similarly, in our lives, God takes us to the Cottage so that He can take our bad habits away from us and make us into acceptable Kingdom subjects. and likewise, His aim is not merely for our civilization. God wants our freedom.

honestly speaking, i think i'm in the Cottage right now. i can't understand why God has to make me face so many things, why He has to challenge me so much. why He can't just leave me alone to rest! i'm thrashing about, throwing tantrums everywhere and as much as i want to run away, everywhere i turn, He's there. my perspective of Him at the moment is that He is a demanding teacher, stripping me of everything i've grown accustomed to. oh, i know He loves me and that's why He does this. but my finite mind just seems a little too small (or perhaps i'm too immature) to grasp His GOODNESS in all this. or maybe His goodness is being clouded over by my discomfort.

i switched over from soft contact lenses to hard ones yesterday. it sucks. i was amply warned beforehand that my eyes would itch, that it would be uncomfortable and that i'd want to give up. it still sucks. and it's hard to be patient when i can't see properly and all i'm waiting for is for my body to get used to it. i'm so completely helpless. i can't change a thing. i guess that's what this boils down to: i feel trapped.

so here i am stuck in the Cottage. full of anger. and desperately, desperately needing God.

Jesus loves me, this I know
for the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak but He is strong
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me,
the Bible tells me so.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
~Hebrews 11:1~

MORE ON ADAM AND EVE

so recently i finished reading Donald Miller's "Searching for God Knows What" (which i found to be a refreshing look at the meaning and relevance of the gospel story and highly recommend it to anyone). in it, he writes an account of his imagined story of the time between Adam's creation and Eve's creation. he reasons that it probably took Adam a hundred (lonely) years of naming animals before God put him to sleep and made Eve. so Adam waited a very long time before Eve showed up.

reading on in Genesis, the same pattern is found. Isaac waits for Rebekah. Jacob waits for Rachel. the list goes on.

so ever since the very beginning, men have waited for women.

just an observation. :)

But the fruit of the Spirit is... patience...
~Galatians 5:22~

REFUGE

when God decides enough's enough and He orchestrates events and circumstances to break my pride and wean me off my self-reliance, my old self raises a lot of stink. like waves crashing violently and mountains hurtling into the heart of the sea, turmoil fills my soul.

this week, i was finally forced to come to terms with the possibility that i might be sick. *gasp*, i know. but it's not the flu or cold type sick. all these years, i've been coping with indigestion and belly aches and now, i'm driven to admit that something might be wrong with me. this thing that i've attributed to stress, that i've asked countless times for prayer for, could very well be a problem with the way my body is wired to mis-function (if that's even a word). made with a flaw in the system. i could be sick for life.

"it's hard to come to terms with our limitations," my dear friend counseled me over tea and cookies tonight. she had me pegged. i could try to emphathize with the many people around me who have various kinds of illnessess and disabilities, but i really thought i was invincible. that i was untouchable. and now i find myself in deep appreciation of all those who are in much worse positions than myself yet continue to live to their fullest, making the most of every day.

oh that God would grant me a heart of gratitude! that i would remember that EVERY thing comes from His hand. i want to be able to say with Paul that His grace is sufficient for me; that His power is made perfect in weakness; that i will boast all the more about my weaknesses because that's when His glory is manifested most brilliantly.

i hate change. i really do. and i hate having my weaknesses, self-centeredness and immaturity exposed. it's so uncomfortable but so necessary. and the truth of the matter is, God is good. no matter what.

Rock of Ages cleft for me,
let me hide myself in Thee.

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
~Psalm 46:1-3~

WONDER

ever wonder at a sunset? brilliant hues and shades of orange and red slowly shifting into pinks, purples and blues as the light slips away and the sky is blanketed with darkness. trees slowly become silhouettes and the faint song of the stars grows louder and clearer. we sit in our cars, or homes, or, if we're fortunate, on a park bench or somewhere in the wilderness, watching the drama unfold overhead. that is, if we even notice.

but where is God? He is outside of time and space(!). how is it that One who exists beyond the limits of our earth can go about creating such stunning sculptures of light for our eyes to see? each strand of colour that reaches my eye is a result of something refracting somewhere out there. and God purposed for each and every particle of the air to be just right so that i would see what i see.

ever wonder how a sunset looks to God?

When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?
~Psalm 8:3-4~

THOROUGHNESS

one of my favourite passages, i've discovered, is Genesis chapter 2 - God's creation of man and woman. it's the way things were supposed to be, life in its completeness before the fall. and maybe because i'm a woman, i especially like this passage. because it really tells the story of how woman came to be.

recently, i re-read this passage and i was struck by a detail i'd read before but never grasped the significance of.

So the LORD God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep. He took one of Adam's ribs and closed up the place from which he had taken it.
~Genesis 2:21~

God closed up the place. I love what this says about the throroughness of God! He didn't just leave it an open gaping wound. He is considerate and consciencious. He doesn't leave half-finished projects lying around. He put things back in place. Because at the heart of it all, He cares. How wonderful it is to know that our God is One who attends to every detail and completes everything He begins.

And I am sure that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again.
~Philippians 1:6~

A TIME NOT TO DANCE

an excerpt from a recent journal entry:

I am a sheep grazing in Your pasture. My eyes meet Your gaze. I am filled with a flood of Your love and kindness. I want to love You back. I want to dance and eat grass like a good sheep and be pleasing to You. I do not, however, amble over to You and let You hold me or stroke me. Why? I am still highly performance driven. Why do I keep my distance from You? Because I don't believe You love me that much. Huh.

Lord, change my beliefs that I would respond to your love by drawing near and letting You hold me.

I imagine it again. This time, I am awash with your love but I cannot move. So I stand there, frozen. And I bow my head, partly because I'm shy, partly because of shame. You walk over, bend down and pick me up. What grace!

Why am I shy? What is making me feel ashamed? I find it hard to believe You'd want me to come over to you because You are so beautiful, perfect and great (in the original bigness sense of the word). I'm ashamed because I know what You'd like but I can't seem to pick my feet up. I'm too in awe of You. I'm also ashamed because I know I'm not the softest sheep to hold and that I have burrs and grass all tangled up in my wool. I'm embarassed! I wish I could be perfect before I came to you.

The Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve. I want to pick those burrs out of your wool.

Take three. This time, as I'm grazing, I'm aware that my wool is stuck with stuff and it's been a while since I've sat on Your lap. When our gaze meets, I happily saunter over to Your feet. You bend down, pick me up and put me on Your lap as You sit on a rock. You gently begin to stroke me, picking out the weeds and burrs in my wool. We spend an afternoon there. You, speaking softly, sometimes telling me mysteries of the world You created, sometimes sharing what's on Your heart and sometimes singing over me. Me, content. Just listening and learning from my Master.

How mysterious and wonderful is Your love, Jesus!

For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.
~Mark 10:45~

HOW BLUEBERRIES GLORIFY GOD

leave it to the hottest day of the year, but my parents and i spent the afternoon yesterday on a berry farm, picking blueberries. as i crouched next to the bushes with the hot sun beating down on me, i eagerly lifted up each branch to see if there were any giant, plump, ripe blueberries hiding under the leaves. somewhere in the silence, i started thinking about how sweet and delicious they were and how i couldn't wait until i could eat some (farm rules were that you're only allowed to taste 2-3 berries or you'd be kicked off). and then my thoughts drifted onto God. He was the one who created blueberries in the first place. why did He choose to make them?

the thought then occured to me: Blueberries glorify God by being sweet. they glorify God by being to the fullest what they were designed for.

so now i'm thinking, i have something in common with these blueberries! we're both created by God to glorify Him by fully being what we're designed for. the difference, of course, is that i'm aware of this and i have a choice in who i become.

You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being.
~Revelation 4:11~

PROCESSING THE CHANGE

It's been four days since my flight touched down in YVR. I'm realizing more and more that even though I thought I'd been away for one year and then another year, reality is that I've been away for two years. It might not seem like such a big difference, but it is. I'm grateful that I decided to delay my return date to Toronto by a few days, grateful, too, for my friend here who's allowing me to crash at her house.

I'm a basketcase.

So far, here are some things that remind me that I'm not in East Asia anymore:
-clear sky! you know people have just come back from someplace polluted when they stand around in a group waiting for their hotel shuttle, all gawking at the fact that they can see every leaf on a tree 100m away.
-the garbage can at McDonalds was not only automated, it talked!!!!
-people are gracious in line-ups
-my boogers aren't black (sorry, but it's true!)
-i can flush my toilet paper
-even though people here are wearing tank tops and skirts, i find myself putting on a jacket over top of my sweater (clear 28 degree weather feels COLD compared to muggy 38 degree weather, ok?!)
-freedom to worship - I can sing to the LORD and read His word wherever and whenever. wow.
-things are made with real quality - even the coinage is heavier here!
-hot water is hot and cold water is cold
-everything is so spread out (maybe downtown will be better?)
-food here feels more acidic to my stomach
-i can read all the ads and signs

coming back second time around is harder in a lot of ways. i've gotten so used to the lifestyle and people overseas, readusting requires a deeper grieving. i need to remember thankfulness though. every step God leads me in is what He thinks is best for me. so I will thank Jesus, for bringing me back safely, for giving me "green pastures and quiet waters", for resources and time to heal, for doing it all so that i don't have to perform anymore.

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
~Psalm 23:1-3a~

WHOOPS... DID I SAY THAT?

So I was having a deep conversation with my friend yesterday, telling her about how God has been encouraging me lately. I shared with her my moment of insight last weekend as I sat on the train staring out the window at the railroad tracks. I told her about how even though there were two iron tracks and small rocks filled all the space between them, there were still wildflowers that managed to bloom in between the rocks. This was a picture of God's power and will for LIFE. That despite the human tendency to ruin things and make things dead, God's Spirit prevails.

It all went well until I realized from her expression that something wasn't right. Then, I realized what had come out of my mouth: instead of saying stones, I said that between the two railway tracks, small tongues filled the space between them!

ugh. hahahaha... thus ends this chapter of my adventures

The LORD God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.
~Genesis 2:7~

FRAGILE

me.

a fight broke out across the street last night. five minutes later, i happened to be checking on how my laundry was drying when i looked out the window. nurses were lifting a man on a stretcher into an ambulance. fragile. life.

an email from my mom: "your childhood friend has cancer. call her asap." i'm rattled. every fiber of my being wants to leave here and be there with her. with the rest of our friends. tell me again what i'm doing here? fragile. faith.

after dinner, a couple friends playfully tease me. not much really. but their words sting nonetheless. fragile. heart.

this is me. fragile. broken. hurting. but somehow, because of Christ, that is not the end of the story.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.
~2 Corintians 4:7~

PLAYGROUND LESSONS
Written Sunday, April 23

Today, I had the luxury of spending the day at a teahouse, overlooking a playground. As I gazed out the window, here’s what I wrote in my journal…

I’m sitting here watching a little girl play with her dad. She is about 5 years old and her pigtailed hair bounces in the wind as she runs over to the swing. Eagerly, she climbs onto it and begins to forcefully throw her body back and forth, trying to get the swing in motion. Her dad stands at the side watching her in her frenzy. Tired, she stops. He puts out his hand, gently rocking it into full swing. All she needs to do is sit there and enjoy it all – the motion, the breeze and most of all, her father’s presence. A couple seconds later, she jumps off. Her eye is caught by another piece of playground equipment. With great patience, her father stops the swing and follows behind her. A minute later, she skips happily to the merry-go-round. Her father looks lovingly at her and sighs, knowing that this momentary thrill will also pass all too soon.

Is this how you see me, Father? Endlessly seeking entertainment, moving from one thing to the next, keeping myself occupied, choosing things for myself and looking to you for approval?

The child is now onto her fifth or sixth amusement. Her father sits with his arms folded, observing her from a nearby bench. Her energy exceeds his. Five minutes later, he’s engrossed in his newspaper, his child can amuse herself well enough.

How different from this father are You, Father! You never grow weary of your pursuit of us.

Thank you.

Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom
and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgements,
and his paths beyond tracing out!
”Who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been his counselor?”
”Who has ever given to God,
that God should repay him?”
For from him and through him and
to him are all things.
To him be the glory forever! Amen.
~Romans 11:33-36~

FOUR HOURS

I'm feeling especially homesick tonight so I thought I'd blog and see where this goes...

Yesterday, God sent me a surprise in the form of a dear friend from the True North who's been travelling Asia and happened to be able to come by my city for a brief visit. Brief is not a short enough word though to describe how momentary the four hour visit was. Four hours was only long enough to grab lunch, pass through a local park, breeze through some of my teammate's apartments and spend some time in musical worship with the rest of my team. Somewhere in there, we managed to have maybe 7 minutes of private conversation.

It's gotten me thinking though... dear friends are hard to come by. Especially when you're living in another part of the world. Time together is so very precious - and when there is distance, so very rare. So I look forward to being back in Toronto this summer, but at the same time, I dread moving away again.

Such is the life I've chosen. Such is the life I've been called to.

I can't say it's easy or that my heart doesn't ache. I can't pretend I'm a hero. I can only take comfort in the fact that Jesus is the one Friend who will never be separated from me and trust that the ache is familiar to Him too.

To those back home: I miss you all so much. Your smiles, your voices, your hugs, your presence.

To the dear friend mentioned: Thank you for being a beam of sunlight poking into my world. It really was a delight to see you. Next time you come, it'll be for longer, right? ;)

"I tell you the truth," Jesus replied, "no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life.
~Mark 10:29-30~

UPROOTING THE BAOBABS

In the children's book "The Little Prince," there is a scene where the rose asks the prince why he so carefully combs through the soil each day, diligently pulling up the baobab sprouts. The prince answers that baobab trees, if left to their own, will grow to be one of the biggest trees in the world. In order to protect the rose and keep their little planet alive, he cannot afford to let a baobab tree take root; otherwise it would consume their space and they would die.

Similarly, I've been finding it absolutely necessary to comb through the soil of my heart each day looking for any hints of "baobabs." Things like pride, envy and discontentment seem to lurk around constantly, waiting for me to let my guard down, waiting for the opportunity to take root. They just don't go away.

Thankfully, my faith is kept not by my own efforts, but by the grace of the One who saved me.

Avoid every kind of evil.
May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.
~1 Thessalonians 5:22-24~

THE ONE WHO IS

Recently, I've been going through a devotional book called "Praying the Names of God" by Ann Spangler. It goes through 26 names of God in the Old Testament in chronological order of how God reveals Himself to us, one name per week. The first one is ELOHIM - God the Creator.

It's funny how God seems to orchestrate everything in life to go with a certain "message of the moment" though. The week I was learning about God as my creator, everything that came up seemed to remind me of it. And the whole week, I couldn't figure out why He wanted me to understand Him as Creator so much. At the end of the week, at a prayer time, I was feeling particularly frustrated at my apparent slow rate of growth.

God, why do you even care that I grow? Why are you so passionate about my development anyway? It's tiring, painful and what benefit does it give you?

Suddenly, I saw it: God as the Creator, delighting in His masterpiece(!) Just as I find joy and delight in drawing something and tweaking this part and changing that part, my God delights in the process of making me more like what He envisions me to be. Finally, I realized why God was trying to pound into my hard head the fact that He is the Creator. He IS the Creator. Not He was. Just because He created at the beginning, doesn't mean He stopped creating. God is still alive and at work, making new creations of all of us, redeeming the world one person at a time. What hope!

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
~ 2 Corinthians 5:17~

LATE BLOOMER

"this one's not opening!" my roommate was looking at one of the two lilies i bought two days before. (i had decided i needed encouragment to stay in my house to unpack.) she held up the one she was looking at: its petals were still furled, their tips barely beginning to unfold. in contrast, the other one that i bought at the same time was in full bloom - pink petals radiating out, filling the room with fragrance. it was hard not to doubt my choice in flower choosing - did i buy a dud?

fast forward two days: my roommate walks out of her room and does a double take. "woah! it opened! and it's so big!" i beam. yep. it opened. and it's just as - if not more - beautiful as the first one.

then, a quiet voice pipes up in my heart, you are this second lily. don't be discouraged, your time will come. just when i'm tempted to lament the slowness of my growth, God shows up and encourages me.

how sweet it is to be loved by You.

But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed.
~Habakkuk 2:3~

SOMETIMES LOVE

Sometimes love has to drive a nail into His own hands, into His own hands.
~from a song i heard a number of years ago

love is about sacrifice. i can't say i've mastered it. but i think i'm beginning to understand.

Lord, help me love as You love. Help me give as you give and not fall into bitterness or resentment.

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.
~1 John 3:16~

PERSPECTIVE

Two tidbits of perspective today:

1. There is no power shortage in the world. According to my prof, if we could harness all the electricity that comes down to us as lighting, we would have enough electricity for the whole world and more to spare. The problem is not that we have a lack of electricity. The problem is a lack of technology. The same goes for our spiritual life. Those who have Christ also have the incomparable power that Paul can only compare to the power that raised Christ to life from the dead. (Did you get that irony? It's incomparable but he still tries to compare it!) Our problem is not power shortage. It's technology shortage - otherwise known as a shortage of faith.

2. I'm more idealistic than I'd like to be. Talking to a counsellor today about my recent battles of the mind, she encouraged me by pretty much saying that there will be more to come. Part of me does not want to accept that as the truth. I wish I could fight the battle once and be done with it. But the truth is that following Christ will mean persecution from the enemy. So I have no option but to cling to the greater truth: That God is with me and that His grace is sufficient.

I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come.
~Ephesians 1:18-21~

WHERE'S OLIVE?

If anyone's still checking on this blog, I'll be amazed. Anyway, for those faithful friends out there, I thought I'd break the silence while I have the time to write. (actually, I should be reading my textbook for the course I'm taking in a week... heh heh).

So what insights have I had in the last half a year? Too many to list. But what I will share is my experiences in the last month of the semester that just passed.

Growing up, I didn't have many problems with self-image and self-esteem. I always felt the security of being loved (by God's grace) and I didn't really understand it when those around me went through the turmoil of the teen years. That "perfect" world (in my mind at least) completely shattered in the month of December.

For about a month and a half, I battled a constant barrage of lies. Lies such as "nobody likes you," "you're boring," "no one cares," and "no one understands." And it wasn't a once in a while thing, it was a daily assault on my mind. I knew that they were lies, but I felt like I was drowning. There came a point when I even told God that I was having trouble believing that He loved me. The only weapons I had were the truth of the Word and the prayers of the saints. I found myself fighting for my faith - fighting to choose to believe in who God said I was, fighting to silence the accusations and discouraging words.

In the midst of the darkness, I clung to this one sentence referring to Psalm 23's valley of the shadow of death: The soil is richest in a valley; and there is no shadow unless there is light. These last three weeks, my parents came to visit me and somehow, God used them to re-ground me in His love. I don't know if I'm completely through the valley yet, but it seems like the ground is sloping upward. Praise God!

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.
~Psalm 23:4~