REFUGE

when God decides enough's enough and He orchestrates events and circumstances to break my pride and wean me off my self-reliance, my old self raises a lot of stink. like waves crashing violently and mountains hurtling into the heart of the sea, turmoil fills my soul.

this week, i was finally forced to come to terms with the possibility that i might be sick. *gasp*, i know. but it's not the flu or cold type sick. all these years, i've been coping with indigestion and belly aches and now, i'm driven to admit that something might be wrong with me. this thing that i've attributed to stress, that i've asked countless times for prayer for, could very well be a problem with the way my body is wired to mis-function (if that's even a word). made with a flaw in the system. i could be sick for life.

"it's hard to come to terms with our limitations," my dear friend counseled me over tea and cookies tonight. she had me pegged. i could try to emphathize with the many people around me who have various kinds of illnessess and disabilities, but i really thought i was invincible. that i was untouchable. and now i find myself in deep appreciation of all those who are in much worse positions than myself yet continue to live to their fullest, making the most of every day.

oh that God would grant me a heart of gratitude! that i would remember that EVERY thing comes from His hand. i want to be able to say with Paul that His grace is sufficient for me; that His power is made perfect in weakness; that i will boast all the more about my weaknesses because that's when His glory is manifested most brilliantly.

i hate change. i really do. and i hate having my weaknesses, self-centeredness and immaturity exposed. it's so uncomfortable but so necessary. and the truth of the matter is, God is good. no matter what.

Rock of Ages cleft for me,
let me hide myself in Thee.

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
~Psalm 46:1-3~