MYSTERY

i've been reflecting on Moses and his burning bush encounter the past couple days. the first thing that i realized is Moses' response to God. God calls him out of this bush that's on fire and Moses says "Here I am." now obviously from what follows, Moses has not really met God yet because God has to explain to him who He is. so what intrigues me is the fact that the first words out of Moses' mouth are not "Who are you? And what do you want?". because if i were him, that's what i would say. so it seems that Moses, over the many years of refinement in the wilderness tending sheep, has become sure of who he is and comfortable with his identity. he hears his name and he owns up to being just who he is. in comparison, i'm still very unsure of myself and as a result, i'm quite defensive. this is definitely an area i want to grow in.

another thing i noticed before is that i'm very much like Moses, always giving excuses for why i don't think i'm able to do what God has asked me to do. what i haven't really looked at is God's responses to his objections.

over and over again, Moses tells God that he can't do it. and over and over again, God tells Moses he's being sent and things are going to be ok. finally, God's "anger burns" against Moses. and then what? God says "ok, punk. your chances are up. i'm giving this privilege of working with me to someone else"? not exactly. God still insists that Moses take this call. but He sends Aaron to go with him. i suspect though, that because God sent Aaron out of anger toward Moses, the disagreements and strife that come with interpersonal relationships were an avoidable consequence if only Moses had obeyed the first time he was asked.

which leads me to think, God has called me to follow Him and i frequently whine and ask Him to send me a companion. i wonder if that's the wisest thing to ask for? ;p

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
~Lamentations 3:22-23~

WHEN GOD IS ENOUGH

a couple days ago, i had lunch with one of my friends here and caught up on the summer. "Lydia" told me a story of someone she met in one of the farm towns who impacted her and encouraged her heart.

this girl is only twelve years old but she's a deaf-mute. the first time Lydia met her, she felt a burden to care for her but she didn't know how to communicate with her. then, she learned that this girl was going to school to learn how to read and write. so, taking out a pen and paper, Lydia asked her whether she knew that Jesus loves her. she nodded her head, yes. again, Lydia asked her whether she knew the local believers love her. she nodded again, yes.

as the people in the fellowship began to pray, this girl seemed to pray along with them. even though she could not hear anything that was going on and she could not speak, she could say one word: Amen. and she spoke it loud and clear whenever a brother or sister concluded his or her prayer! right in time with the rest of the people. Lydia was able to visit this girl a second time during the summer and the day before she went, she called their house to let them know. the day of, the girl got up bright and early and waited for the whole day for Lydia to arrive. and before Lydia even got to the door, her young friend ran and gave her a huge hug.

with tears in her eyes, Lydia reflected on the experience and shared with me how she realized that many of us busy ourselves with "Kingdom work", doing what we think God wants us to do. meanwhile, in the life of this young girl, simply living in God's love was enough. what a truth. though we may be called to serve in various capacities, the bottom line is that it's simply about living in God's love.

what a reminder. what a perspective check!

You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not gorwn weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.
~Revelation 2:3-4~

WHY

this morning, i woke up asking myself, "why am i doing this again? why am i packing my bags and moving away from all i've grown up with only to go to a place that makes me uncomfortable, a place so foreign to what i'm used to? why am i tearing my heart to pieces? what is it that drives me to go through this again?"

and in the stillness came the words For Christ's love compels us... just how does this love compel me? surely it is not only a force from behind me - that as i gaze at the cross of Christ, i recognize all that He's done for me and so, out of gratitude i go in obedience. that seems so... almost like a business transaction.

looking deeper, i realize the compelling force of Christ's love is what lays ahead. that Christ stands in front of me, offering me hope and peace and a depth of love i have yet to fully know. and THAT is what compels me. like a child learning to walk, i see the Father beckoning me, arms open wide as i totter in my little steps of faith, always moving forward however hesitantly. why? because i know there's a heart of Love before me. and i know He's there, waiting to enfold me in the warmest embrace i've ever known.

If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.
~1 Corinthians 5:13-15~

THANK GOD FOR DIRTY DISHES

Thank God for dirty dishes
They have a tale to tell
While other folks go hungry
We do so very well
With home and health and happiness
We shouldn't want to fuss
For by this stack of evidence
God's very good to us!
--seen at a friend's house

Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
~Ephesians 5:19-20~

SECRET HEROES

for almost as long as i can remember, i have loved language. that a bunch of sounds strung together with pauses in the right places can be heard and understood as a series of ideas is astounding. what's more, that a different bunch of sounds with pauses in different places can be totally intelligible to one group of people while remaining absolutely meaningless to another group of people.

this morning, i went to visit an elderly man i've known for a long time. we've always spoken in cantonese but that was never his strong dialect. so in the past, we never really spoke at all. but today was different. today, he could happily prattle off a list of places and things to see and tell me all sorts of wonderful stories, simply because i now understand his dialect.

what's more, after the visit, i asked my mom more about him and i learned that he has a most fascinating life story. this aged gentleman who now has wisps of hair and a wrinkled old face is actually a descendant of royalty. in his youth, he learned ballet with the world masters, (for those who know the ballet world, he actually met Margot Fonteyn!). he was friends with the leading artists of his age. when his homeland's political scene changed, however, he was forced into hiding. and i learned that the name i know him by is not even his real name.

and so, it turns out that this friendly, dear little man who calls me his "granddaughter" and never fails to let me leave his house empty handed, is actually a decendent of a king - with talent and a richer life story than i'll ever begin to appreciate.

makes me wonder, how many of the King's sons and daughters do i rub shoulders with and fail to recognize their worth?

i'm so glad God never has this problem!

...but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."
~Romans 8:15~

SINFUL = FULL OF SIN

the only way i will be found faithful at the end of the day is if Jesus keeps me faithful. i have no faithfulness of my own.

Who can say, "I have kept my heart pure; I am clean and without sin"?
~Proverbs 20:9~

UNDERSTANDING THE PROPHETS

i interrupt my letter and thank you card writing to post my most recent thoughts - my journal entry this morning at that! (actually, i'm just in desperate need for a break from my papers and cards and envelopes.)

i am understanding more and more the heart of the prophet. that the insight God gives leads to repentance and trust in Him. that the sorrow begins in the heart of the one called to speak. that a prophet lives to please God and not people.

being back here and having the platform i now have to speak out on the state of missions in our church, i recognize the unique position that God has placed me in. i am, perhaps, a modern day prophet? on first thought, it sounds lofty. but what is a prophet? it is one whom God has given a message to speak and is compelled to speak His word, despite people's reactions, acceptance, rejection, popularity or disdain. from my experiences this past year, i know that God has given me much to speak on; that God has a challenging message for the leadership and those around me to hear and hopefully act on. i also know that this past year has taught me to speak what i know i need to speak. i can hide no longer.

i only pray that i would be full of love - that it would not all be for nothing. Lord, help me!

If I have the gift of prophecy...but have not love, I am nothing.
~1 Corinthians 13:2~

REALITY IS

the great truth, i discovered today, is that God's word is the Word of LIFE. the great lie of the enemy is that God's word leads to death. in the struggle against sin, we are often deceived into thinking that obedience to God's Word will mean loss for ourselves - loss of freedom, loss of relationships, loss of enjoyment of life... so we shy away from it, or dread to hear what He has to say. but the truth is that His decrees are for our delight - everlasting delight, not just temporary thrill. God is always for life. although His word may demand surrender or even death to certain parts of us or things that we cling to, that death is actually the first stage of real life. the life we think is life, then, is actually death in His eyes. real life, to God, is death to ourselves. of course, reality is not defined by what we think it is, but by what God says it is. and when we remember that God's desire is for us to really live, we can truly say that His decrees are our delight.

did i just confuse everyone? ;p

I delight in Your decrees;
I will not neglect Your Word.
Psalm 119:16

A MINISTER'S CONFESSION

O God,
I know that I often do Thy work without Thy power,
And sin by my dead, heartless, blind service,
My lack of inward light, love and delight,
I see sin in my heart in seeking the approbation of others;

This is my vileness to make men's opinion my rule, whereas
I should see what good I have done,
And give Thee glory,
Consider what sin that I have and mourn for that.

It is my deceit to preach and pray,
And to stir up others' spiritual affections
In order to beget commendations,
Whereas my rule should be daily to consider myself more vile
Than any man in my own eyes.

But Thou dost show Thy power by my frailty,
So that the more feeble I am, the more fit to be used,
For Thou dost pitch a tent of grace in my weakness.

Help me rejoice in my infirmities and give Thee praise,
To acknowledge my deficiencies before others
And not to be discouraged by them,
That they may see Thy glory more clearly.

Teach me that I must act by a power supernatural
And bear evils beyond my strength,
Acting for Christ in all, and
Having His superior power to help me.

Let me learn of Paul
Whose presence was mean
His weakness was great
His utterance comtemptable,
Yet Thou didst account him faithful and blessed.

Lord, let me lean on Thee as he did,
And find my ministry Thine.

For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom,
and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.
~1 Corinthians 1:25~

I'D RATHER BE...

something that caught my attention last night at the student prayer meeting:

Being a healthy beggar is better than being a sick king.

how true that statement is! so many times we run after (or at least our hearts run after) things that would make us feel more comfortable, valued or in control but at the cost of our health. maybe it's not our physical health that slowly wanes, but we fail to see our need for genuine wholeness. being away this year, i've come face to face with many different aspects of me that desperately need the healing touch of God. i used to think that i was pretty well off, that i didn't have many problems. but the more i know God and the more i know myself, the more i see that what i need is not chicken soup, echinaecea or antibiotics, i need surgery.

Lord, make me a healthy beggar!

I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
~Psalm 84:10~

LIFE WARS

You do not know what prayer is for until you know that life is war.
--John Piper, Let The Nations Be Glad

the other day, i was chatting with a good friend over msn, telling him how much we need prayer over here because of all that's been happening. i thought to myself "there are only three weeks before i go home... i can't wait! i'll be able to relax a bit then." but then i realized that no, even though i feel the intensity of the spritual battle here, it's exactly the same back in North America. the war's just not as obvious there. in fact, because things are more comfortable in North America, the enemy has an upperhand because he's fooled us into believing that we don't have to fight. reality though, is that on this side of eternity, it will always be a war, no matter where you are on the earth. and the more i see reality, the more i understand the final words of the Bible and why they're so meaningful.

on a related note, i'm also seeing more and more that prayer is not the supportive, behind the scenes activity that we tend to think it is. prayer is the cutting edge, front-lines offensive attack. prayer conquers enemy territory before we physically get there or see any results. that said, i realize that all that i've seen happen this year is only a shadow of the valiant efforts of the saints back home who've gone ahead of me by prayer, cutting through the enemy lines in the realm of the unseen.

Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.
~Revelation 22:20~

EPISODE III

prior to May 2005, i had never seen any of the Star Wars movies. of course, living with three brothers here, within this past month, i've managed to see all six of them. however, the experience of seeing EPIII was one never to be forgotten.

our family here went on vacation to a nearby city this past weekend - one that actually was showing Star Wars in english! so after dinner on Saturday, we headed over to the theatre only to find out that the last english showing for the day was just finishing. not to be phased, our boys went to talk to the manager to ask if they would add a showing just for us. i wasn't there for the conversation but obviously, their act was convincing because we got not only a showing in english, but free pop and practically a theatre all to ourselves! and when we walked in, we realized that the seats were fully adjustable, plush leather recliners. hahahaha... what a sweet deal. and what a funny surprise from Dad, who knew that i really wanted to watch this movie on the big screen with my brothers.

ah, He spoils me.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights who does not change like shifting shadows.
~James 1:17~

YEAR OF THE ROOSTER

I can't believe you guys are still reading this, even after disappearing for a good 5 months! Anyway, just a comment on the picture below... it was taken by one of my friends here on the morning of my 24th birthday. seriously, were i not here in this culture, i would never have taken a picture like this! (there were three of us and they insisted that we each take a "jumping" picture) hahaha... anyway, it was a beautifully sunny day and we had a wonderful time in the flower garden. what a great gift from Daddy! among many other gifts, of course.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
~Psalm 139:16~

ols in the air, originally uploaded by Olam.

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?!?

"'Friend,' [the king] asked, ' how did you get in here without wedding clothes?'" Matthew 22:12

A king invites his friends and people of good standing to attend his son's wedding banquet. I can understand that. They all decline and he is not impressed. I can understand that. So he sends his servants out to bring in random people off the streets. I can sort of understand that. But then he sees one of these guests in rags, gets mad and orders him thrown outside. I can't understand that.

Why did he do that?

I can't understand why the king would expect a bum off the street to be wearing wedding clothes. Where did he expect this guy to get nice clothes anyway? I don't understand it. At least not until I realize that it's because the king's the one who provided the clothes for all of his guests in the first place. So not to be wearing the wedding clothes is to insult the character of the king.

Likewise, I am a rogue on the street and the King has invited me to attend His banquet of life today. He's provided everything, the food, the music, the occasion... He's also provided His grace for me to wear. And it's my choice - do I insist on my dirty rags of self-effort and pride, trying to patch up the holes and cover the stains? Or do I gratefully accept this clean, tailor-made garment of grace?

It really is all about the King. He initiates everything. He provides everything. Including the very clothes we wear at His banquet.

So...What are you wearing today?

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast.
~ Ephesians 2:8-9 ~