TORN

if you're reading this to be encouraged, today's posting might not be the one for you. i have some venting to do... but who knows, maybe you'll be encouraged knowing that you're not the only one struggling in this life? :T

there were moments today when i wanted to shut off the sound in the world; i was so frustrated at the things i was hearing. it was mostly what a couple of my friends were discussing. one of my friends recently got a boyfriend and the other one has had various relationships over the three years i've known her. anyway, they were talking about their boys and pretty much comparing them. their words were not specific in any way, but the innuendo was so explicit. part of me was disgusted and part of me was sad. disgusted because i really did not want to hear their conversation. sad because i knew that at the heart of the matter, they're both trying to find security in relationships that only Christ can fulfill. and yet they're both so adverse to Jesus. it makes me want to cry.

on the other hand, hearing my friend mention that the chocolates she had were from her boyfriend slightly stung my heart. i know there are other girls (and guys) who have promised God to leave this whole department to His timing so it's not a solitary journey. but her comment stirred a desire in me. it also sent me running to the cross. i know that clinging to the nail-scarred hands is the only way i'll pass through this darkness in safety.

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.
~Philippians 4:8~

SING PRAISE

wow, where did these last few days go? it's saturday again and the last time i posted something was tuesday?!

aaaanywho... BBT Revolution was this weekend. i don't think i've sang this much in a loooong time. three worship sets in two days - plus a singing lesson! :p yep, i'm pooped. but a happy and satisfied pooped. :>

been challenged to rethink servant leadership again... last night was the third time in the last six days that John 13 was brought to my attention. it's the passage where Jesus washed his disciples' feet. God doesn't do anything by coincidence so he's really got me thinkin. :> it's quite possibly a reminder to give up my pride (again). 'cuz pride has this nasty habit of slipping into my mind if i'm not conscious of keeping it away. i think i've also forgotten to serve the people i lead. *sigh* i'm so thankful for God's grace. my brain handles so little and He challenges me with so much. :T

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!
Oh what a foretaste of glory divine,
Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood!

This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Saviour all the day long!
This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Saviour all the day long!

Once more the humble will rejoice in the LORD ;
the needy will rejoice in the Holy One of Israel.
~Isaiah 29:19~

SPASTIC SHEEP AND OTHER STUFF

two separate ideas to write about today. but both just as meaningful...

--Spastic Sheep--
another poignant illustration by Louie Giglio this past saturday: baby sheep are spastic. full of energy and joy, they bounce around and literally run into their mothers. the sobering thought is this: if they don't get fed, they will die.

--A Night In The Woods--
i heard this story on the radio maybe a month ago but i never got around to typing it up.
the rite of passage in a certain society required that the young person spend the night out in the forest amidst the bears and wild animals by himself. as evening approached, the child would be taken out into the wilderness, where a circle would be inscribed in the ground in which he would have to stay for the night. he would be left alone and as night fell, the sounds of the night would cry out in the darkness. as terrified as the child was, he could not leave his place. he had to face his fear and try to rest in spite of it. as dawn came and the sunlight broke through the trees, the child's eyes would open to the truth: his Daddy had been with him the whole night, standing just outside the circle with his bow and arrow drawn, ready to protect his child from any danger.

He who watches over you will not slumber.
~Psalm 121:3~

SNACKTIME WITH JESUS

life is hard, but God is good.

last night, i heard one of the most encouraging messages on Jesus and the feeding of the 5,000. Louie Giglio shared his insights with us during the final session of the Worship Together Conference. he explained that when Jesus asked his disciples how they thought the people would be fed, He was merely testing them. the disciples wanted to come up with some brilliant plan to save the day, but in the end, they only managed to present a meager snack of bread and fish (which they'd probably bullied off of a poor kid in the crowd). it's what Jesus did with the snack that was the most interesting. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. (Matt. 14:19) Jesus blessed it, broke it and multiplied it. the blessing and breaking happened together before it could be used to nourish the people.

in the same way, Jesus sometimes asks us how we propose to feed the multitudes. we want to say we have these mind-shattering plans, and we come to realize all we have is embarrassingly little. but He graciously accepts whatever "snack" we can give him - even if it's nothing but ourselves. then, He blesses us and breaks us and sends us out there to feed the crowds. the best part is that from the very first moment, Jesus already knows what He is going to do. He doesn't need us for anything yet He involves us anyway.

When Jesus looked up and saw a great crowd coming toward him, he said to Philip, "Where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?" He asked this only to test him, for he already had in mind what he was going to do.
~John 6:5-6~

LIVING LIFE | LOVING LIFE

this evening, i attended a memorial service for one of my profs. he died unexpectedly last wednesday of a brain aneurysm. i had him for one semester in first year, but i never really got to know him. being there at the memorial and hearing all the stories about him sort of made me regret not dropping by to see him more. whenever he saw me in the halls, he'd always tell me, "don't be a stranger now!" but i guess i kept myself a stranger.

anyway, from the reflections of all the people who shared tonight, it was obvious that this man lived his life well. he had a passion for living and his positive attitude radiated out to touch countless numbers of people. person after person went up to share about how he had believed in them and by doing so, he taught them how to believe in themselves. they mentioned that he was so proud of all his students but he had a really humble heart (before becoming a theatre professor, he'd studied both medicine and law). he stood for things he believed in and he encouraged everyone around him, whether they were his students or his colleagues. he was a Jewish man, and although i didn't know him well, i would not be surprised if his qualities came from being close to God (but i don't know that as a fact).

here was a man who was unafraid to invest himself in the people around him. here was a man who knew how to love. here was a man who had actually lived.

i was challenged tonight. challenged to love the people around me more. challenged to seize each opportunity to connect. challenged to stand by my convictions. challenged to give my life away for the sake of Christ. why? 'cuz i saw the truth; that in giving my life away, i gain more than i could ever get by keeping it. 'cuz giving my life away gives rise to other lives.

one last thought from the service, it was spoken by one of the students:

Anatol taught us that what you do [for a living] does not equal to who you are; who you are is who you are.

For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for [Jesus] will save it.
~Luke 9:24~

SUN WITHOUT LIGHT PART II

so i did my lighting presentation today. it went over very well. my original idea was to build a flower that was black on the outside that would open up to reveal layers of coloured material - reminiscent of how sunlight slowly allows colour to be seen. i spent most of my weekend trying to find a way to build the flower so that it would close like a bud and open like it was blooming. by 11:30pm last night, i still hadn't found a way to construct it to my liking so out of desperation, i tried to think of other approaches. actually, by sunday night, i was already quite frustrated, but monday morning, i thought i came up with a solution (which later proved to be no good). anyway, while i was packing my stuff to go back to res, i happened to grab a coloured scarf and a yellow rose made of ribbon, just in case i could use it to fill my flower.

so last night, in my state of exhaustion, i ditched the flower idea and thought i'd keep it simple; i'd use my hands to hold the scarf and slowly open them to reveal the "sunrise." i have to explain my scarf, though. it's a chiffon-like shimmery material that gradates from purple to light purple to white to orange. so as i held the yellow rose, i wrapped the scarf around it so that when i opened my hands, it initially would be purple, then it would slowly progress to show the orange and finally, the rose.

the second component to my presentation was music. just like the scarf idea, the music was also God-given. on sunday, i met with a bunch of girls at my church to rehearse a body-worship we'll be presenting at tccc this coming sunday. the song we're working with is Shout To The Lord, a version by Chris Tomlin. while we were rehearsing, i realized that the introduction sounded like a sunrise(!). so i decided to include it with my presentation. in the end, the audio and visual elements connected beautifully and i was just so relieved and thankful when it was over. :>

in making this project, i was reminded of a couple things about God:
1. His creative powers are just soooooooooo great. while it took me three agonizing days to figure out i can't make a flower, He makes millions of them in a moment.
2. in using my hands to reveal the sunrise, i caught a glimpse of how God does that every morning when He opens His hands to reveal each day.

for all the frustration that went into it, i think that the experience was worth it. so i'm glad. :>

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
~Lamentations 3:22-23~

SUN WITHOUT LIGHT

second post in a day! (can u tell i'm bored?)

project of the moment: make a representation of a sunrise without using light. it's my first assignment of the year. ironically, it's for my lighting design class. ideas are very slow in coming. suggestions?

Light is sweet, and it pleases the eye to see the sun.
~Ecclesiastes 11:7~
one of my all-time favourite verses.

BABY STEPS

took my very first singing lesson this morning. man, i never knew i was so weak! or should i say, i never knew one had to be so strong to sing well! in any case, i have a lot of physical conditioning to do. my breath is short, my circulation is poor (which i always knew, i just didn't think it would affect singing that much) and i have no control over how much air i let out when i'm singing. blech. it's gonna be hard work, but i know i can't let myself stay at this skill level when i know there's such a long way of improvement in front of me. excellence for Christ, no?

Since you are eager to have spiritual gifts, try to excel in gifts that build up the church.
~1 Corinthians 14:12~

SILENCE

sometimes, God takes us to a place where it seems like everything is dark and we feel all lost and lonely. and then, contrary to what we expect him to do, he remains silent. the only thing we have to hold on to is the hope and assurance that in spite of everything, we have the promise of grace forever. the promise that he knows what he is doing.

this week has been one of those times for me. there's been a deep aching and emptiness in my heart that has washed over me in waves. true, there have been moments of happiness, but the prevailing emotion has been quite sombre. i do not know how to explain it, or what to attribute this pit to, but it's as if God has brought me here to deal with the bare essentials - namely, Him and me. in my weakness, i am forced to face the power and jealousy of God. He desires to be my strength, and my only strength. the challenge here is to die to myself.

You can't say Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you've got.

will i dare to live with just Jesus?

being refined by God is painful. but i pray that i will endure like Christ, for the joy set before me.

Put on the garments of praise,
for the spirit of heaviness,
Your joy is my strength alone, my strength alone.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
~Hebrews 12:2~

KICKOFF

first CCF meeting of the year. it was awesome seeing new faces and really nice seeing all the familiar faces. the scavenger hunt went swimmingly but i think the dinner was the best part. getting to chat and connect with the new people was the highlight of my night (and possibly my week!). i think that even though my role as chairperson is to be there for the people, i was the one who needed the fellowship the most tonight. i am so undeserving of this love. :)

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.
~1 John 1:7~

AWESOME

i'm entirely wiped but i gotta put this update in before i burst. :> i just checked my email before shutting off my computer and i got this email from a girl i met at Teens Conference this past march. she was on the team i counselled and i had a joy of seeing her brought to Christ back then. since that week, i'd seen her a couple times and once in a while, i'd pray for her and wonder how she was doing in her walk with God. anyway, she emailed me today to tell me the awesome things God's been doing in her life and how she's trying to reach her high school for Christ now. wow. i'm soooooooo tired right now but i just can't stop smiling. :>

God, you are so good to me. who am i that You would choose to use me to reach this soul? who am i that You would show me Your faithfulness in continuing Your work despite the fact that i have failed to keep praying for her like i said i would? i stand in silent awe of You.

He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
~Philippians 1:6~

GOD

...God is bigger than the air I breathe...

a beautiful thing about God is that without fail, He works the most when we are at our weakest. our worship team this morning was put together last sunday. i'd previously worked with two out of the three members and the third member was new to our church. during rehearsal on friday, things sounded not quite together. and this morning, when we started practicing, we were totally not together. each person was doing his/her own thing. as the leader, i didn't know how i would be in a worshipful spirit, let alone engage the congregation in worship. after lifting everything up in prayer and confessing to God that He alone had to lead our worship, i still felt a bit uneasy. but God fully answered by allowing His presence to be felt during our service. one more item to add to God's faithfulness list. :>

now to see how He will show Himself at York this year...

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
~Psalm 51:17~

IF I WERE AN ANIMAL...

while describing myself to one of my new suitemates, i realized that my description could very well fit that of a tropical fruit bat:

a) i love warm places. my ideal temperature range is 28-32 degrees celsius.
b) i love fruit. i could eat it all day. :p
c) i'm pretty much blind. my prescription is so high, it's embarassing.

so there u have it. three major similarities between myself an a tropical fruit bat. the only thing is, i don't like hanging upside down. ;p

anyway, it's been a pretty down week for me. being in a new res, not knowing anyone, and not being a heavy party-goer, it's been quite lonely. spiritually, it's thrown me off a little. i guess i've been struggling against self-pity to look beyond myself and find the heart to care for the few strangers around me. it also feels as if i'm in a place where God is silent, but i still know He's there. i am more aware of my weakness than ever, but i'm also more aware of being held and surrounded by the prayers of all my saint-friends. this is a new place for me.

boring is definitely not a word to be used in this walk with Jesus.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.
With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
~Ephesians 6:18~

FROSH - TAKE 2

*sigh* i never thought moving residences would feel so weird. i didn't realize how many friends i made in two years. anyway, i'm settled in now and i finally got my internet working in my room so i can finally update this page. it's taking me much longer than i want to, though, 'cuz Flo93 is here on campus playing something in the courtyard and the bass beats are incessant! ahhh, frosh week...

...boom boom boom... boom boom boom... arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anywho, i went to visit my uncle's grave today. it's been almost two years since he died. standing under the blue sky, embraced by sunshine, listening to the windchimes, i felt this serene peace as i watered the flowers at his headstone. i realized today that with all my friends who know Christ, even if i never see them again in this life, i still have eternity to spend with them. like, wow. because of Christ, not only are we restored back to God (!), we have forever to enjoy each other's company.

that's my encouraging thought for the day. :>

keep praying for my witness on campus. this is a crooked and depraved generation, indeed.

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life...
Philippians 2:14-16

...signing off to the tunes of "I will survive"... yes, i will survive!

UNFATHOMABLE

how deep the Father's love for us,
how vast beyond all measure,
that He would give His only son,
to make a wretch His treasure.

eternity and a day would not be enough time for me to understand God's love. that a self-sufficient God - one who did not need anything outside of himself - would create, release and redeem a bunch of creatures who were destructive, rebellious, and faithless. and to go to all these lengths so that these creatures could spend the rest of time with Him! it is only by the sweet grace of God that we are loved.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-- not by works, so that no one can boast.
~Ephesians 2:8-9~

[note: correction to yesterday's post - Paul did not write the book of Hebrews. it was not written in his style. scholars suggest it was either written by Barnabas or Apollos.]