When we do anything from a sense of duty, we can back it up by argument; when we do anything in obedience to the Lord, there is no argument possible; that is why a saint can be easily ridiculed.
--Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest
how else do you explain witnessing to a stranger who asks for help over icq at 3 in the morning?
i know this isn't the first time i've used this as a blog title. but this is the title to the song by Nichole Nordeman. i think the lyrics are very fitting to our situation today.
Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case...
We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If you never send us rain.
Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up
And warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case...
We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead
And if we never taste that bread
Oh the differences that often are between
Everything we want and what we really need
So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case...
We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace
But Jesus, would You please...
i feel like i'm being pushed to the limit - mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. like waiting for the second wind to get me through these next five weeks. it amazes me how much i need to will myself to have faith. it's so easy to fall into despair and think i can't do this. i have to keep telling myself that i must believe that God will carry me though, that He is strong enough, that i was created to be used by God. it's a battle of the will. (for those of you who've seen the movie Hero, it's like the fighting that goes on in the mind between the warriors.)
still, i will say that GOD IS GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is. 'nuff said.
just when i thought i was getting old and jaded, i caught a glimpse of the little child running around in me tonight.
since my parents were out for a meeting, i thought i'd be a good kid and clear the driveway for them. they bought a new snowblower and i'd never used it, but i reasoned, if my mom can use it, i could probably figure it out. so i put on my dad's big down parka (complete with the fur trimmed hood), ski gloves and boots and set to work. getting the engine to start was relatively easy since the instructions were on the machine, but getting it to blow the snow was another matter. after a couple tries, i resorted to using the shovel. of course, if you've ever seen my house, we have a really big driveway that can fit like eight cars, so after shovelling the space of maybe one car, i got tired. putting down the shovel, i looked at the snowblower again and realized my previous mistake. so i tried starting it up again. but this time, i must have tried at least 20 times before the engine fired. i finally got the thing to work, and i cleared a path wide enough for a car to get into the garage when it suddenly died on me again. and restarting it just was not happening. so in the end, after an hour of labour and two knots in my back, i had a rather amusing path that went from the street to the garage door - just wide enough for one car; half blown by machine and half hand shovelled.
looking at my work, i saw that it was rather pathetic, but it was also something i was quite proud of. i felt very much like a little child, who'd tried something beyond her capabilities in order to impress and please her daddy (sorta like the three-year-old, trying to make "breakfast-in-bed" but spilling the milk and dropping all the eggs in the process). and i realized that in my life, i do that every day. i throw my energy into projects and people, hoping to touch the heart of my Daddy - even though i know what i offer is so sloppy and haphazard. all to gain a smile at the end of the day.
on a side note, after i put the machine and shovel away, i found a nice empty patch of snow, lay down, and made a delightful snow angel. :>
[the following two posts are one entry, blogger seems to think my posts are too long. i think it has something to do with being on the school network. so please read both. :>]
let me tell you about an incredibly inspiring woman. her name is Lotte. she works full time at the International Christian Centre (a soup kitchen @ Queen and Spadina). she's originally from the phillipines and God has touched her life in many miraculous ways. last night, i got to hear more of her story. usually, when our fellowship goes to help the first wednesday of each month, she's there, cooking something. and last night, i found out that she cooks both monday AND wednesday nights. and since the centre has a boarding room upstairs, she also cooks for the early meal that that boarders eat. so she cooks the 5pm supper, cleans, prepares for the 7:30pm supper and cleans the pots and pans. after the patrons leave, she tidies up the place, sweeps and mops the floor before she finally goes home at about midnight. on top of that, every monday night, she leads worship! the other evenings in the week, she's there to take care of the place as other church groups come to serve dinner. but the churches usually only serve pasta, soup or sandwhiches. nothing like the chicken dinners she takes the time to make.
recently, i've had a couple people comment to me that i'm an inspiration to them because of all the stuff i do, but i look at Lotte and i know that she's a real inspiration. 'cuz there's a woman who is on the front lines, serving the poor and the homeless day in, day out. and once a week, she has to be cook, janitor and worship leader all in one night. and through all this, she still keeps the joy of Jesus in her heart. what she does isn't appreciated much - more often than not, she has to deal with complaints and strange food requests. yet she's been doing this for more than ten years.
after spending the night serving with her, i've been so humbled. and i'm motivated to pray for her and her ministry even more. now, when i look at all i have to do in the next little while, i'll just think of Lotte and be encouraged.
[on a side note: if anyone is in the Toronto area and is willing to spare 3 hours on a monday night (even once a month) to give Lotte a hand with cooking, cleaning or worship leading, please let me know. trust me, it's so worth it. it'll change your perspective on life and deepen your walk with God.]
this weekend, i brought gifts for each person who went to retreat. a reminder of God's love for us on Valentine's day. what was interesting was the responses i garnered. some people laughed because they didn't understand it. some people were touched by it. others didn't want to open it until they got home so they tucked it away for safekeeping. some sort of left theirs lying around until the last day, when they stuffed it in with the rest of their luggage. and still others unknowingly left theirs behind.
many times, these are the ways we treat God's gifts to us. be they people, time, resources, whatever. sometimes, we cruelly scorn the gift because we just don't understand its value. sometimes, we fully appreciate it and are truly thankful. sometimes, we keep the gifts to ourselves. yet other times, we're too concerned about other things, like our responsibilites or having fun, so we don't give it a second thought. and sometimes, we miss the fact that we got a gift altogether.
i pray that as God's children, we will learn to see His goodness in everything that comes our way. starting with the air we breathe.
As far as any eye could see
There was no green. But every tree
Was cinder black, and all the ground
Was gray with ash. The only sound
Was arid wind, like spirits' ghosts,
Gasping for some living hosts
In which to dwell, as in the days
Of evil men, before the blaze
Of unimaginable fire
Had made the earth a flaming pyre
For God's omnipotent display
Of holy rage.
The dreadful Day
Of God had come. The moon had turned
To blood. The sun no longer burned
Above, but, blazing with desire,
Had flowed into a lake of fire.
The seas and oceans were no more,
And in their place a desert floor
Fell deep to meet the brazen skies,
And silence conquered distant cries.
The Lord stood still above the air.
His mighty arms were moist and bare.
They hung, as weary, by his side,
Until the human blood had dried
Upon the sword in his right hand.
He stared across the blackened land
That he had made, and where he died.
His lips were tight, and deep inside,
The mystery of sovereign will
Gave leave, and it began to spill
In tears upon his bloody sword
For one last time.
And then the Lord
Wiped every tear away, and turned
To see his bride. Her heart had yearned
Four thousand years for this: His face
Shone like the sun, and every trace
Of wrath was gone. And in her bliss
She heard the Master say, "Watch this:
Come forth, all goodness from the ground,
Come forth, and let the earth resound
With joy."
And as he spoke, the throne
Of God came down to earth and shone
Like golden crystal full of light,
And banished once for all, the night.
And from the throne a stream began
To flow and laugh, and as it ran,
It made a river and a lake,
And everywhere it flowed, a wake
Of grass broke on the banks and spread
Like resurrection from the dead.
And in the twinkling of an eye
The saints descended from the sky.
And as I knelt beside the brook
To drink eternal life, I took
A glance across the golden grass,
And saw my dog, old Blackie, fast
As she would come. She leaped the stream --
Almost -- and what a happy gleam
Was in her eye. I knelt to drink,
And knew that I was on the brink
Of endless joy. And everywhere
I turned I saw a wonder there.
A big man running on the lawn:
That's old John Younge with both legs on.
The blind can see a bird on wing,
The dumb can lift their voice and sing.
The diabetics eats at will,
The coronary runs uphill.
The lame can walk, the deaf can hear,
The cancer-ridden bone is clear.
Arthritic joints are lithe and free,
And every pain has ceased to be.
And every sorrow deep within,
And every trace of lingering sin
Is gone. And all that's left is joy,
And endless ages to employ
The mind and heart, and understand,
And love the sovereign Lord who planned
That it should take eternity
To lavish all his grace on me.
O, God of wonder, God of might,
Grant us some elevated sight,
Of endless days. And let us see
The joy of what is yet to be.
And may your future make us free,
And guard us by the hope that we,
Through grace on lands that you restore,
Are justified for evermore.
Your sacrifice is brokenness
A heart that's full of tenderness,
Come and break me, Lord.
To see You in Your righteousness,
To find You in Your holiness,
Come and take me, Lord.
That I can learn to trust You,
And every way to love You;
Strip away all that remains,
For Your glory and Your name,
'Til there's nothing left of me.
Burn the kingdoms I have made,
You will shine and I will fade,
'Til there's nothing left of me,
'Til there's nothing left of me.
Your Spirit is the only One
That can conform me to Your Son,
Let Him move in me.
Your grace is written deep in me,
You sign my heart so pure as He,
With Your holy blood.
That I can learn to trust You,
And every way to love You;
Strip away all that remains,
For Your glory and Your name,
'Til there's nothing left of me.
Burn the kingdoms I have made,
You will shine and I will fade,
'Til there's nothing left of me,
'Til there's nothing left of me.
~ Jeffrey B. Scott and Joel Engle
another lesson i learned this weekend was that each of us has some past hidden hurt, something that causes us pain. and as the body of Christ, we are to foster a safe atmosphere of love where the brokenness can be addressed and God can begin to heal. this can only happen when we surrender completely to Christ and find our identity in Him alone. if any part of us is still looking for affirmation from other people, we will not feel free to share our brokenness, we will keep walls up and we will delay the process of healing.
this weekend was york ccf (english)'s very first winter retreat. and i gotta say that God is too good to us. :> starting with perfect weather and safe rides, He showered endless blessings on us. three years ago, when we were simply a handful of bumbling first and second year students with a call, we never would have dreamed that within these three years, God would build us up to a point where we could hold our own retreat with 22 people. let everything that has breath praise the Lord!
naturally, a retreat is never complete without a few lessons. this time, insight struck me in a most unexpected way. on saturday, a few girls and i went out for a walk and we ended up lying on our backs in the snow, staring at the sky and humming Amazing Grace. suddenly, one of the guys came up behind us and dumped some snow on our faces. it wasn't much but when a few of the other guys heard about it, they decided to give this guy a snow job. so, in typical guy fashion, the tackling, dragging and general shoving of snow began. when it was all over, the "target" had a bloody nose and another guy had lost both of his glasses lenses. i was horrified at what i had triggered and i tried to help by getting kleenex and scouring the grounds for the lost lenses. in the end, the nose was ok, one of the lenses was found, but the other lens was lost indefinitely.
my friend had lost his lens for me. in defending me, he had to cope with not being able to see comfortably or clearly for the rest of the retreat and beyond. i was the cause for his loss. but on the other hand, he'd done it willingly. suddenly, i realized that what Jesus did for me was the same kind of thing but on a much larger scale. i was the cause for His death. but because of His love for me, He gave up His life willingly.
there were other lessons learned this weekend, but of all of them, i think this one will be deeply imprinted on my heart for the rest of my life.
thank you. and thank You. i do not deserve this love.
had a good conversation with a friend today. as we talked, the topic of futility came up. he remarked that it seemed like all this learning and knowledge and all our activities in life just don't amount to much. what's the point?
i actually surprised myself with my answer to him. i realized that while learning and doing things is, well, what we do in life, what matters is people. when i take my eyes off of what i need to know and do, and turn them to helping the people around me, i find fulfillment. and ultimately, it's about bringing the love of Jesus to them. and as i walked home, i thought, "of course that makes sense! that's the great commandment!" so yeah, i gained some insight into what Jesus already told us two thousand years ago. heh heh... God is just so patient with me. ;)
It's a fear that keeps me wide awake
In the middle of the night
When the expectations are too great
And the bar gets raised too high
So I do the best with what I've got
And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measured, but You know better
So, Thank You, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far
From who we want to be
So, thank You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
Thank You, even then
So I put aside the masquerade
And admit that I am not okay
Which may not be the thing to say
But I'm not ashamed to need You more each day
So, Thank You, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far
From who we want to be
So, thank You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
Thank You, even then
We raise the standard, and try to reach You
But we'll never make it, and we don't need to...
~Nichole Nordeman
hope keeps us going when it seems like life is too much to handle. hope in what? hope in love. hope in a love that is greater than ourselves, greater than our ephemeral causes. hope in a love that allows what we do to make a mark in eternity.
there is a dark cloud of worry hovering over my mind and my heart, waiting for me to succumb to its pressure. waiting for me to give up. but i know this is a battle. i know that because of the love of Jesus Christ, I WILL WIN. i am determined. i will cling to God. Satan, you will not get to me! i have the Living Saviour on my side! i have prayers of numerous saints, the prayers of my friends, uplifting me. i have angels standing guard around me. my feet are firmly planted on the unshakable Word. this house will not fall.
when i look back on these days, the Glory of God will be written across them. that is my hope. Jesus is my champion.
"i love you. it allows me to see more... and less, than others."
--(Uncle) Vanya by Howard Barker
i've been slowly realizing that it takes a lot of energy to love people. and loving people is one of my greatest joys, as well as one of my greatest burdens. at the moment, it's more of a burden but it's one that i would not dream to be living without.
i need to see God. i need to hear Him. desperately.
a short lesson in Chinese (courtesy of my wonderful mother and half a day of nothing to do in China):
if you take the word for self and write the character for big underneath the self and add a little dot by the big, you have the character for stinky. so it is with us. if we allow ourselves get big even just a little dot (ie, if we are prideful), we become STINKY!
God's been challenging me a lot to look at my motives for doing things and helping the people around me. and i'm ashamed to say that a lot of what i do is because i want to feel good about myself or i think i'm the only one who can do it, not because i'm driven by the love of Christ. "don't be a hero," one of my friends said. i must let Jesus be the hero. less of me, more of Him, until it's none of me, all of Him.
i love it when i know my heart has heard the voice of God during sunday service. 'cuz when that happens, i know it's been more than a service, it's been worship.
these past two weeks, i'd been so swamped with school work and all the other stuff i'm involved in that i'd been running super long hours (typical day would last from 7am-2am). i still managed to spend time in the Word and in prayer (literally too busy not to pray) but it wasn't until last night that i just sat back and listened to what God was trying to tell me through my brothers and sisters on the tc worship team. being an advisor, i felt like i was supposed to be the one with the insights and the advice (hence, the title), but last night, i just felt so dry. i had nothing to give. instead, God gave to me - through them. while listening to their testimonies and sharing, God showed me my pride and stubborness. i did not have to prove myself and say things to make an impression on them. i was there because God put me there and that was reason enough. i simply had to trust in His wisdom that He would somehow use me to help them. on the drive home, i felt like i'd gotten a small break-through.
you can't encounter God without coming away changed. i've known this and said it for a while already. but today, i experienced it anew.
Thanks, God, for your relentless pursuit of my heart. i'm sorry i lost sight of You in my struggle to make it through this work on my own. allow me to desire You more. and show me how to bless my friends with Your rest.
