OPEN BOOK

i was talking to someone at a party tonight and since i didn't know her, i introduced myself and got her name. then, she commented that she'd heard lots about me and that got me curious. what i wasn't prepared for was that she proceeded to tell me that she knew that i'd gone on a missions trip, helped with TC worship and was involved in York CCF... basically, my life story! (i'm just thankful i was talking to a girl!)

anyway, i've always been aware of the importance of integrity, but this incident only emphasizes it all the more. :p

I'm holding fast to my integrity and not loosening my grip--
and, believe me, I'll never regret it.
~Job 27:6 [Message]~

ONE STEP

i am praying. in my mind, i see myself taking one step. it seems as if i'm walking off a cliff, onto thin air. i have been here before. but this time, i suddenly notice there is water beneath my feet. then i am aware of a Presence. i hear His voice, "do you trust me?" my eyes gaze upward to an outstretched hand. it is Jesus. He is standing on the waves in the midst of the storm, inviting me to step into this adventure with Him. i have been transported into Peter's experience! i'm being offered an opportunity to walk on water with my Lord.

i know i have already been told that i must go to everyone He sends me to and that He will be with me and rescue me (Jer 1:7-8). my choice is whether or not to obey. whether or not to believe. i discover this: fear is persistent and stubborn. yet i know what to ask for: love.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.
~1 John 4:18~

LOVIN' LIFE... TOO MUCH?

Come, Lord Jesus, Come. so the chorus went. as i stood there, i asked myself if i could really sing those words from my heart. was i eagerly expecting the return of Christ? at the moment, i could not say i was. sure, it would be awesome to be able to see Jesus face to face and to live in perfect love. but how could i ask Jesus to come soon when so many people around me still did not know Him? how could i turn a blind eye to the fact that all my classmates and most of my friends would be spending eternity without God if Jesus were to come back today? at this point, God challenged me: "Do you not trust me? Don't I know the spiritual condition of each and every individual I created? Am I not a God of mercy? I will not let people perish without offering them my redemption." He continued, "Are you not loving your life here on earth too much? Your activities, your friendships, your little lessons in life... Did I not call you to love Me and to love My Son? Why are you so hesitant for me to come back?"

hmmm... so much more to surrender.

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.
~2 Peter 3:9~

WISDOM

A good name is better than fine perfume,
and the day of death better than the day of birth.
It is better to go to a house of mourning
than to go to a house of feasting,
for death is the destiny of every man;
the living should take this to heart.
Sorrow is better than laughter,
because a sad face is good for the heart.
The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,
but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.
The end of a matter is better than its beginning,
and patience is better than pride.

Consider what God has done:
Who can straighten
what he has made crooked?
When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider:
God has made the one
as well as the other.
Therefore, a man cannot discover
anything about his future.
~Ecclesiastes 7:1-5, 8, 13-14~

SOLID ROCK

funerals are good at drawing out complex emotions. since my family is faced with three of them this saturday, i've been exploring the ideas of death and grieving. and i realize that death really is such a mystery.

tonight, i was at a practice for one of the services that i've been asked to sing at, and we were working on the hymn The Solid Rock (also known as My Hope Is Built On Nothing Less) and i found that the words were really appropriate to me this weekend. the funeral will be sandwiched between a mission team reunion and a birthday get-together. so i'm basically setting myself up for an emotional roller-coaster ride. but supporting it all is my belief in Christ - the Solid Rock. so whether i laugh or cry, i know i am secure.

My hope is built on nothing less,
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus' Name.

On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

~Edward Mote and William Bradbury~

My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
~Psalm 62:1-3~

HANGIN LOOSE

did you know that in Psalm 46:10, when it says "Be still," a literal translation of the hebrew is "let your arms hang down"? so in the midst of battle and fighting (the context for the rest of the psalm) God tells us to let go of all we're holding onto. and when we do that, God will exalt Himself among the nations and in all the earth.

just a cool thought i wanted to share. :>

"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
~Psalm 46:10~

TRAPPING MONKEYS

i once heard this story in a sermon but tonight, it resurfaced to my mind. it's probably not exactly as i heard it, but it'll still illustrate the point.

in a certain jungle, a group of hunters were known for their unique way of catching the monkeys harassing their community. every evening, they would set out a large jar of nuts by the trees and go back to their homes. in the middle of the night, when everyone was asleep, the monkeys would come out and approach the jar. seeing that it held a yummy assortment of nuts, one of the animals would reach its hand into the jar and take a big handful. but then, panic would hit: the monkey wouldn't be able to get its hand out! the fist, full of nuts, would not fit past the opening of the jar. and since the jar was too heavy for the monkey to lift, it had no choice but to stay stuck there, defeated, until the hunters found it the next morning. the key, of course, was that all the monkey had to do was let go of a few of those nuts and it would have been free.

i realized tonight that i've been acting like that monkey recently. i've been trapping myself by holding on to worries about things i should not be thinking of at the moment. so once again, i find myself stuck with my hand in the jar and God's looking at me and prodding me "just let go a little! then you will be free to bring out the rest of the nuts in your hand to offer to me." how i pray that i would be a wise monkey!

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
~Matthew 11:28-30~

HOUSE WASH!

do clouds ever run out of rain?

about half an hour ago, i was sitting here at my computer when all of a sudden, i started hearing a loud pit-pat on the roof. i pushed aside my curtains and i saw huge drops of rain coming down. a couple seconds later, water was falling in sheets. it was breathtaking and awe-inspiring. witnessing this brief but powerful downpour made me feel like a little child again - seeing the world with eyes of wonder, amazed at the might of the Creator. this is the God i serve. this is the God who loves me! this is the God in whom my future rests secure. oh, let me dance in the puddles and sing in the rain. :D

"To whom will you compare me?
Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One.
Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.
~Isaiah 40:25-26~

FRUIT SALAD

mixed bag of feelings today. i went through most of today with Proverbs 13:12a running through my mind, characterizing how i felt. but just now, i had a really great conversation with a friend that got the wheels turning in this rusty brain of mine. the question we were debating was whether it's possible to live anxiety-free in this life since Jesus calls us to it yet we are so prone to sinning (you can mull this over for yourself!).

*thanks for the mental aerobics! you lifted me out of my little pit today :> *

Proverbs 13:12. today it's the first half. second half... soon, perhaps?

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but when dreams come true, there is life and joy.
~Proverbs 13:12 [NLT]~

I AM

I was regretting the past
And fearing the future...
Suddenly my Lord was speaking:
'MY NAME IS I AM.' He paused.
I waited. He continued.

'WHEN YOU LIVE IN THE PAST
WITH ITS MISTAKES AND REGRETS
IT IS HARD. I AM NOT THERE.
MY NAME IS NOT I WAS.

WHEN YOU LIVE IN THE FUTURE
WITH ITS PROBLEMS AND FEARS
IT IS HARD. I AM NOT THERE.
MY NAME IS NOT I WILL BE.

WHEN YOU LIVE IN THIS MOMENT
IT IS NOT HARD
I AM HERE.
MY NAME IS I AM.

~Helen Mallicoat

Moses said to God, "Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you,' and they ask me, 'What is his name?' Then what shall I tell them?"
God said to Moses, "I am who I am . This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to you.' "
~Exodus 3:13-14~

HE KNOWS MY NAME

I have a maker, He formed my heart
Before even time began my life was in His hands.

He knows my name,
He knows my every thought,
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call.

I have a Father, He calls me His own
He'll never leave me no matter where I go.

~Tommy Walker

Tommy Walker's song is really just a contemporary expression of Psalm 139. this weekend, i experienced the reality of it again.

on sunday night, a group of us left our retreat to attend a wedding banquet for one of the members of our church. at about 10:30pm we all hit the dance floor. now you have to understand, the guys in our group rarely dance, in fact, i think the majority didn't even know how to slow dance. needless to say, it was a highly amusing evening. in all my years being at our church, i've never had so much fun with this group of people. and i think i haven't laughed so hard since coming back to Toronto from my mission project.

on the way back to retreat, i realized that my misgivings of leaving retreat to go to the banquet had been silly and that God had planned it all along. He knew i needed to laugh again. He knew i needed the time just to have fun with the people i serve with.

my friend and fellow worship leader said to me just before we started to dance, "this is very different from sunday worship." and i looked at him and responded, "maybe somehow this is worship, too." in retrospect, i know what happened that night really was worship - because God's sovereignty shone through and in the end, He got the glory.

praise God for meeting our needs before we're even aware of them!

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
~1 Corinthians 10:31~

OFF AGAIN

long weekend:summer retreat with my church:almost three days away from home to focus on God. in a way, i'm looking forward to it. but i'm not really that excited about it. maybe because i feel like i've been on one long retreat since school let off. and maybe because i've felt a little like i've been in a bog since i got back from Japan. but still, i look forward to having time away from the everyday stuff just to spend with God. i pray that i can be open to His voice and that i can be an encouragement to those who will be there with me.

i've realized it's difficult to live in the present. my tendency is to either live in the past or the future. hm. reminds me of a quote i read a couple days ago.

To live in the past and future is easy.
To live in the present is like threading a needle.
~Walker Percy~

...show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely.
~Song of Solomon 2:14~