since when did i become such a stressball? since when did life's pressures get to me and steal away my sunshine? since when did the furrow between my brows deepen and establish itself as a frequent feature on my countenance? where did the carefree child run to? why is there a harrowed grown-up living in this mind? why do i not recognize myself?
how do i go back?
Oh Lord, grant me faith like a child!
from a recent journal entry:
Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, "Abraham!"
"Here I am," he replied.
Here I am. Three words, spoken repeatedly by various godly people. Isaiah, Samuel, Abraham, Moses, Jacob... each of them knew where they were when they heard Your call.
So where is "here" for me? "Here" is as a student, a small but determined faith, a single woman, a Chinese-Canadian, a gifted artist, a beloved daughter, a soul struggling with pride and sin... Here is a place where I am redeemed and bought with no less than the very suffering and death of my Lord Jesus Christ. Here is at 22 years, just starting her life. Here is in Toronto, heading to Sendai. Here is a worship leader and fellowship chair. Here is where I have yet to make a journey, yet to discover the full extent of Your love, yet to overcome the challenge of my own ultimate sacrifice. This is here. And here I am.
If a sudden jar can cause me to speak an impatient, unloving word, then I know nothing of Calvary love. For a cupful of sweet water cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, however suddenly jolted.
~Amy Carmichael, If
yes, i actually have found reasons to be thankful for that which is causing so much grief in our city and our world these days...
reason #1: it shows our human frailty. in this age where people are so confident in science and themselves, a disease like this is humbling and puts perspective back into who we are compared to God.
reason #2: it drives us to unite in prayer. stemming from the first reason, people all over the world have been gathering to pray for God's mercy and intervention.
reason #3: it has raised awareness of sanitation. this is especially beneficial in China/HK where cleanliness was not a priority before. now people know how to wash their hands properly!
reason #4: it has redirected my mission trip. God has used it to take me to Japan, where i have to completely rely on Him!
reason #5: it makes me completely rely on God! from keeping me and my team healthy to helping us reach Japanese students, i have to give it all into His hands. and this lets me know Him deeper. :>
my prayer, a couple weeks ago, was that God would show me how i could crucify my pride. in that week, it seemed like every scripture i read talked about crucifying the old self so that the new self could have life in Christ. and with the Easter weekend, the topic was imprinted on my mind even further. but i did not know what crucifying the self looked like in real life. i asked God, what do i DO to crucify my sinful nature? how do i get rid of this pride that doesn't seem to go away?
this morning, i realized i received my answer. it's NOT what I DO, but rather what i LET GOD DO. one cannot crucify himself, he must be crucified by another. so my original question, while it seemed to be a humble request, was actually driven by pride! the answer was not within my power, but rather without. i cannot crucify my own sin, i must let God do it. in other words, the answer was HUMILITY - letting God break me and ever seeking to put His will before my own. in this new light, i gained a breakthrough in my own sensitivity to sin. i saw how often i put myself on high ground when i have no right to. and i have come to appreciate more of Christ's actions and attitude as a model for my own. i'm so grateful we have a God who is patient enough to teach us step by step. i know this road is long but oh what joy it will be to face my Maker and present to Him a well-spent life for His glory!
two weeks exactly until i turn 22. it seems both old and young at the same time. on one hand, 22 years is a considerable amount of time. i've taught and counselled so many "kids" that i feel like such a mother at times. on the other hand, 22 years is very short. i am only beginning to learn what it is to be an adult. i'm only beginning to see how little i understand about myself, the world and God.
thirteen days until i leave for missions. still don't know where i'm going and who i'm going with. i don't have airplane tickets, don't know what to pack... don't know much, really! but i do know that i'm walking with God and that's enough for me.
lately, i've been finding new gems in the Word.
second gem...
this is more of a Good Friday entry, but i think it applies to us every day.
i wrote this poem a number of years ago. i just found it again recently and this being Easter and all, I thought I'd share it.
I was always told that You died with Your arms stretched out open wide…
But I realize that I just can't believe that's what really happened.
The nails pierced You where a network of nerves and blood vessels collected. You arms and hands must have been gripping intensly, reacting to the excruciating pain.
Pictures of Your death were always clean, tidy and presentable…
But I realize that I can't believe that's what it really looked like.
There must have been blood splattered everywhere on the nails, on the hammer, all over Your body, all over the soldiers and perhaps even on the spectators who came to watch You die. And all that blood would've collected dirt and dust along the way. You didn't have a clean, white loincloth.
The cross decorating our church would have me think that the one You were nailed to was smooth, polished and beautiful…
But I realize that I can't even imagine that that was the way it really was.
Your cross would have been rough and filthy. There would have been many splinters. You'd be in more pain that way because nobody treats "criminals" nicely.
These realizations mean nothing to me though. They are worthless until I realize what Your actions have been telling me…
And now, once again, I see the image of those two wooden beams and I finally hear Your quiet voice, piercing my heart:
"I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you…"
i want to learn to have the faith Jesus had when He gave His life completely into the hands of the Father. i want a faith that in the face of suffering, prays for nothing else but the glory of the Father.
i was just talking to my mom about faith this afternoon when this song came on the radio. i have no clue who wrote it or sang it, but the words reflect my sentiments exactly.
something i've come to realize this year is that much of our sin comes from a lack of faith. pride comes from a lack of faith that God is more powerful than us. fear comes from a lack of faith that God is in control. doubt is from a lack of faith that God keeps His promises. conversely, when we come to God and kneel at the foot of the Cross, all the rest falls away and faith remains. faith is too precious to lose.
what started today's conversation on faith was my mom's comment about the way everything in the world is on such a negative bend recently - the war, SARS, the feeble economy, news of death, news of cancer... the list goes on - and how easy it is for people to give up on life in these times. my answer to her was that it's exactly in these down times that the message of Jesus is more clearly needed. if anything, this Easter, we should celebrate with hearts that are more grateful than ever! we have an everlasting Hope, an unfading Light to walk in, an eternal Friend! and with this knowlege, we should share it all the more.
recently, my own faith has been tested. of the various reasons, the effect of SARS on my missions trip was one of the bigger ones. since the original target city is an affected city, things were really up in the air. my fundraising was going really well and God just didn't seem to be putting a hold on the project so i'd tell anyone who asked that as far as i was concerned, i would still be going on the trip. i refused to let go of my faith that God could bring us through. of course, it figures that they had my email address wrong so i never got the updates until today! but i was right to believe. the project is still happening. and God might be taking us somewhere other than our intended destination!
so yeah, PRAISE GOD for His almighty sovereignty! in the words of my pastor (who's currently facing the fearful possibility of his own child having cancer): GOD is GOOD no matter what!!!
We live by faith, not by sight.
~2 Corinthians 5:7~
i am still in shock that i made it through third year alive. what's more, i am amazed at the countless blessings God has poured out on me these past eight months. i'm astounded at the sheer amount of undertakings i accomplished (school and otherwise) by His grace. if there's one thing i learned this year (over and over again, might i add) it's that God honours those who honour Him. in everything.
anywho, i read a really good quote today that i just had to share with the world. so here it is:
Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it.
~Luke 17:33~
my blog is working again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :> hee hee... it's been saying it's publishing but not actually doing anything for the last long while... hence my extended absence. anywho, i checked today and it's up and running again :> alas, i have an exam tomorrow so this has to be short.
missions trip is in T-22 days and God's already taught me so much about what it means to live for Him! aaahhh! i have so much to write but i can't write it all now! so i'll leave u with the number one new lesson for me: going on a missions trip has shown me the way the body of Christ literally "sends" its members out into the world. the process of collecting the funds from my generous brothers and sisters, keeping all the records and writing thank-you cards has impressed on me the weight of what i am doing. when i pack my bags, i am packing with a while community behind me. when i step on the plane, i board with a group of people backing me. when i talk to the people there, i am being an ambassador of not only God Almighty, but my spiritual family around the world. it amazes me, humbles me and makes me just scared enough that i go running into God's reassuring presence. :> anywhos, 'nuff not studying. i'll have plenty of time to write more after tomorrow!!!
A young and successful executive was traveling down a
neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new
Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from
between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he
saw something.
As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a
brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on
the brakes and drove the Jag back to the spot where
the brick had been thrown.
The angry driver then jumped out of the car,
grabbed
the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car
shouting, "What was that all about and who are you?
Just what the heck are
you doing? That's a new car and
that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money.
Why did you do it?"
The young boy was apologetic. "Please, mister...
please, I'm sorry...I didn't know what else to do," He
pleaded. "I threw the brick because no one else
would stop..." With tears dripping down his face and
off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around
a parked car. "It's my brother," he said. "He rolled
off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't
lift him up."
Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive,
"Would you please help me get him back into his
wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."
Moved beyond words, the
driver tried to swallow the
rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly
lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair,
then took out his fancy handkerchief and dabbed at the
fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him
everything was going to be okay.
"Thank you and may God bless you," the
grateful child
told the stranger.
Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy
push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk
toward their home.
It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The
damage was very noticeable, but the driver never
bothered to repair the dented side door.
He kept the dent there to remind him
of this message
"Don't go through life so fast that someone has to
throw a brick at you to get your attention!"
God whispers in our souls and
speaks to our hearts.
Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to
throw a brick at us.
It's our choice.
too. much. work. no. time. to. breathe.
ok fine, no time to sleep, eat, cook, shower, think, write, keep up with the world. so what am i doing then? drafting!!!!!! it never ends.
