SOMETIMES I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO GROW

In general, I am glad when God points something out to me and reveals an area where I need to change. But sometimes, it feels like there are too many corrections in too short a span of time. It's moments like these when I wonder if I'm really accepted and I struggle to see His love.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
~ Hebrews 12:11 ~

EXPECTATIONS: TOO HIGH OR TOO LOW?

Mealtimes in our home often fill both our stomachs and our souls. Tim and I love having meaningful conversation over food. Last night was no exception.

As we talked, I got to thinking about how I often expect myself to get every little detail perfect or not to mess up anything small. I wondered out loud why I had such high expectations of myself.

After a brief pause, Tim said, "Too high? Or too low?"

I was puzzled. Too low?

He went on to explain himself. If I was aiming to get every little thing right, my expectations would be too high. But if I was aiming to achieve greater things, the small errors wouldn't mean as much. Concerning myself about the nitty-gritty when there were bigger things to focus on would be expecting too little.

How often I need to renew my vision!

But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.

~ Psalm 3:3 ~

WHEN GOD DISAPPOINTS

Last week at church, Darrel Johnson gave a message on Palm Sunday. He unpacked the story of Jesus entering Jerusalem on the donkey, explaining that Jesus' actions were completely different from the people's expectations of the Messiah. They were hoping for a political saviour but He saw their deeper need of a saviour from sin and death. One of the conclusions that impacted me the most was this: God would rather disappoint us in order to meet our deepest needs than meet our surface expectations.

As I think about my life and the times I have been disappointed by God's actions/inaction, it encourages me to think that His love and concern for me goes deeper than simply trying to keep me happy. In the moments when it seems He isn't there, He's probably at work in a place I'm not even aware of.

Yet Jerusalem says, “The Lord has deserted us;
the Lord has forgotten us.”
“Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child?
Can she feel no love for the child she has borne?
But even if that were possible,
I would not forget you!
~ Isaiah 49:14-15 [NLT] ~

MY EVOLVING THOUGHTS ON SEX

I've had this post incubating for a while now and I have finally written down what's been on my mind. Those who know me might be surprised that I'm writing about the topic of sex. But I think (and hope) what I have to share here might be of help to someone out there. It's so commonly addressed in the media, but so rarely among friends - at least among the people I know.

Anyway, growing up in a conservative Chinese Christian culture, I was always taught that sex is reserved for a man and a woman inside of marriage. I agreed with that principle (and I still do), so I naively assumed that I wouldn't have to think about it until I was married, or at least when I was ready for marriage. Sure it was an intriguing topic, but I put it on a shelf in my brain somewhere in a dusty corner.

As I grew through my teenage years and university, I not only tried to stay away from sex, I found myself distancing myself from guys. And from what I saw on TV and in movies, and especially after reading books like "Every Man's Battle," my perception of men was that they were sexual animals who could pounce at any moment. I've since learned that they are not, but back then I was afraid of them. And afraid of my own sexuality.

When Tim and I started dating, I was challenged to re-evaluate my assumptions. Could I trust this man to continue honouring me even when I was attractive to him? Was it possible to have a healthy acceptance of our sexuality without jumping into bed? To my surprise, the answer to both of those questions was Yes. In a particularly enlightening conversation, Tim told me that when I looked nice for him, it helped him to fight lust - because it reminded him that I was worth waiting for. And I learned that my sexuality was just as much a part of my whole person when I was unmarried, and that acceptance of it did not mean that I had to engage in sexual behaviour.

I had to unlearn false perceptions about sex and learn about God's view of sex. I also had to learn to trust Tim and his leadership of our physical interactions. In the days leading up to our wedding when hormones were raging and impatience was a common companion, I realized that in order for two people to have sex, it doesn't "just happen." Contrary to so many stories that I had read, each person must decide to go forward with it. (I am not talking about cases of rape, where one is willfully forced upon.) In a sense, I was shocked to discover that I had more control over myself than what I'd been told. When God tells us His Spirit is one of self-control, He means it!

Now that I'm five whopping months into marriage (and counting!), I have come to a point where I accept and even celebrate that my humanity includes my sexuality. I'm still continuing to figure out what healthy sexuality looks like, but I must say that it's been quite a journey toward wholeness for me.

[God] created [people] male and female and blessed them.
~ Genesis 5:2 ~

PS. If you want to discuss this topic with someone but don't know who to ask, feel free to email me. I won't be embarrassed. ;)