I, A THIEF(!)

I had a most interesting dream yesterday. In my dream, I robbed a house along with somebody else. I don’t know who that other person was, I only know I left that house with a black duffle bag containing stolen goods. I don’t know what goods were in the bag, I only know they were valuable and I would be in big trouble if it was found out that I had stolen them. Anyway, this other person and I somehow got into an elevator to make our escape. The elevator was packed with people. Suddenly, the elevator lurched and began to fly out of the shaft. I tried to conceal my panic.

The elevator took us to this spacious looking complex. Rumour had it that it was some sort of government screening centre and a jail. I was horrified. What if they discovered my bag of stolen goods?! Thankfully, I discovered that there was a long winding line-up (it was a government centre, what was I to expect?) and there were lots of corners to turn. I nonchalantly dropped my bag in a corner somewhere, hoping no one would notice. Everyone around me was carrying luggage too, but I was so worried about being found out that it didn’t matter.

Finally, I got to the front of the line. It turned out that the workers were really nice and they weren’t looking to put people in jail. We had a pleasant chat and they showed me around the building. The whole time though, I was half expecting someone to come running up to me with the bag I had dropped and ask me if it was mine. I expected to get busted. But I was fully accepted there and I couldn’t shake the feelings of guilt and shame of what I had hidden. I wasn’t free to enjoy the grounds or the company.

After I woke up, I asked the Lord what He wanted to teach me from this. As I lay there, He let me see that in everybody else’s luggage, they also had stolen goods!

Recently, I’ve been reading “Hiding From Love” by John Townsend. In it, he talks about how a healthy maturing process includes accepting the bad parts along with the good parts of oneself. As I read, God revealed to me that this is an area I haven’t matured in. My perfectionism and performance-drivenness stem from my refusal to accept the bad parts of myself and my coping mechanism is trying to hide my mistakes, failures and sins. In light of this, my dream was another way of God saying to me that I don’t need to be ashamed of my bag full of stolen goods, that everybody has them and that Jesus already paid for them.

My head understands forgiveness, but my heart is only just beginning to.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
~1 John 4:18~

OH HOW WONDERFUL

i've been thinking about heaven recently. about my life here on earth in relation to heaven. about my 70 or 80 years and how they are really just a speck of time and yet God allows me those years so that i can make a difference in eternity. so i've been asking myself whether every aspect of my life is being impacted by this awareness. and evaluating, will this (whatever it is) last into eternity?

i've also been thinking about how i'm about to move yet again. and how i anticipate that i'll be flying at least 11 times this year and spending time in at least 6 cities in 3 parts of the world before the year 2007 is over. it's a lot of travelling. mind you, i'm aware that there are plenty of other people in the world who travel a lot more than i do. but for a homebody, it's a lot.

i don't think i mind the travelling part as much as i dislike the emotional impact of it all. it's like everytime i get somewhere, i start building friendships and connecting with people and then i have to leave and uproot my heart. i kinda feel like the more places i go, the more bits and pieces of my heart are left all over the world.

which brings me back to heaven. i really look forward to being in a place where everybody is around all the time and it'll be forever! no more packing, no more goodbyes, no more trying to squeeze in appointments with people... how wonderful it will be!

Oh how wonderful, oh how marvellous,
and my song shall ever be,
Oh how wonderful, oh how marvellous
is my Saviour's love for me!
-from a hymn

I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
~Revelation 21:2-4~