DEPTHS

this morning, i was reflecting on a very familiar psalm when some new insight broke through. (don't you love it when that happens? it's like you're reading something you've read a thousand times and even memorized when you suddenly see a phrase in a new light and it reveals a new dimension you've never thought of before.)

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
~Psalm 139:11-12~

i used to think that the author was trying to hide in the darkness - to run away from God. and that God cannot be hidden from as much as we try.

what i realized this morning was that it could be out of despair that the psalmist writes. he feels engulfed in darkness and uncertainty and thinks that surely God will not know where to rescue him from. but the hope and the truth is that God cannot be stumped by darkness. He still sees clearly through our uncertainties.

yay for a God who has perfect perspective!

All the days ordained for me
were written in Your book
before one of them came to be.
~Psalm 139:16b~

EMBRACING THE RIDICULOUSNESS OF GOD

a friend and I were musing over dim sum yesterday about faith and art and missions in Asia when out of the blue, she said something like, "until you embrace the ridiculousness of God, you don't experience the fullness of all He wants to bless you with." that's probably one of the best descriptions of how our relationship with God works. not only is salvation - the idea that God would become a man to die in our place - ridiculous, but many things God calls us to do, many steps of faith seem ridiculous. i feel like this morning i potentially wrecked something that was going well. in this case, God's holiness seems ridiculous, especially when compared to the world's standard of what's acceptable. embracing God's ridiculousness is to trust that He knows what He's asking for - and that it's for our good.

so even though all i see right now is the ridiculous, i trust that somewhere down the line, i'll see the blessing.

The king said to Daniel, "Surely your God is the God of gods and the Lord of kings and a revealer of mysteries..."
~Daniel 2:47~

THE TESTIMONY OF LEAVES
An Exerpt on God's Faithfulness from "The Holy Wild" by Mark Buchannan

A leaf. Behold a single leaf. So fragile, it tears like paper, crushes in your hand to a moist stain, sharply fragrant. Dry, it burns swift and crackling as newsprint, pungent as gunpowder. Yet a leaf may withstand hurricanes, stubbornly clinging to its limb.

Hold it open in your palm. It is perfect as a newborn's smile. Pinch its stem between thumb and forefinger and hold it to the light. Eden bleeds through. Its veins are like bone work in silhouette. This single leaf, joined to the tree, drinks poison from the air, drinks it serenely as Socrates downing his cup of hemlock, and refuses to return in kind, instead spilling out life-giving oxygen. This leaf tilts to catch the sun, its warmnth and radiance, to distill the heat and light down to the shadows, down to the roots, back up to limbs. To shade the earth. To feed you and me.

A leaf. God makes these season after season, one after the other, billions upon bilions, from the Garden to the New Jerusalem, most for no eye but His own. He does it faithfully, or else I would not live to tell about it, or you to hear.

Perhaps of all my many sins against heaven, this ranks with the worst: Until this moment, I have never thanked God for a single leaf.

I read this a while back but seeing the flaming reds and brilliant hues of orange and yellow around here, I can't help but marvel at the miracle of a single leaf - and the mystery of the big-ness of God.

For the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the LORD, as the waters cover the sea.
~Habbakuk 2:14~

ADAM'S JOB

it seems that lately, i'm on a Genesis kick. :)

i was talking to a friend one night about how God made Adam wait for Eve and gave him the job of naming the animals when the full weight of the responsibility hit me. as an artist, i usually name my works. and it bugs me when people get the name wrong. what baffles me is that God would make all these fantastic creatures and then let Adam name them! like, what if Adam called it a giraffe when God himself would have named it a dimiatee? the fact that God let Adam name his animals speaks volumes about the amount of trust that God has in us. this is how much God values his people!

similarly, i wonder God has His own set of names for us people? like Jacob, God renamed Israel. i wonder if God privately thinks of us in terms of names other than the ones our parents named us?

i guess i'll have to wait till heaven to find that one out. :p

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
~Psalm 139:17~

THE COTTAGE

i've discovered that i'm a very angry person. surprised? yeah, so am i.

i finished reading Delighting God by Victoria Brooks last night. in it, she tells the story of Helen Keller and her teacher, Anne Sullivan during the initial stages of their relationship. knowing that Helen's well-meaning parents would interfere with her teaching, Anne Sullivan takes Helen to a cottage for two weeks, during which she patiently and strong mindedly re-trains young Helen. after these two weeks, Helen has learned how to be a civilized member of society. however, her teacher wanted more from her. Anne Sullivan wanted nothing less than Helen Keller's freedom. the cottage experience was just the beginning.

the author goes on to say that similarly, in our lives, God takes us to the Cottage so that He can take our bad habits away from us and make us into acceptable Kingdom subjects. and likewise, His aim is not merely for our civilization. God wants our freedom.

honestly speaking, i think i'm in the Cottage right now. i can't understand why God has to make me face so many things, why He has to challenge me so much. why He can't just leave me alone to rest! i'm thrashing about, throwing tantrums everywhere and as much as i want to run away, everywhere i turn, He's there. my perspective of Him at the moment is that He is a demanding teacher, stripping me of everything i've grown accustomed to. oh, i know He loves me and that's why He does this. but my finite mind just seems a little too small (or perhaps i'm too immature) to grasp His GOODNESS in all this. or maybe His goodness is being clouded over by my discomfort.

i switched over from soft contact lenses to hard ones yesterday. it sucks. i was amply warned beforehand that my eyes would itch, that it would be uncomfortable and that i'd want to give up. it still sucks. and it's hard to be patient when i can't see properly and all i'm waiting for is for my body to get used to it. i'm so completely helpless. i can't change a thing. i guess that's what this boils down to: i feel trapped.

so here i am stuck in the Cottage. full of anger. and desperately, desperately needing God.

Jesus loves me, this I know
for the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak but He is strong
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me,
the Bible tells me so.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
~Hebrews 11:1~

MORE ON ADAM AND EVE

so recently i finished reading Donald Miller's "Searching for God Knows What" (which i found to be a refreshing look at the meaning and relevance of the gospel story and highly recommend it to anyone). in it, he writes an account of his imagined story of the time between Adam's creation and Eve's creation. he reasons that it probably took Adam a hundred (lonely) years of naming animals before God put him to sleep and made Eve. so Adam waited a very long time before Eve showed up.

reading on in Genesis, the same pattern is found. Isaac waits for Rebekah. Jacob waits for Rachel. the list goes on.

so ever since the very beginning, men have waited for women.

just an observation. :)

But the fruit of the Spirit is... patience...
~Galatians 5:22~

REFUGE

when God decides enough's enough and He orchestrates events and circumstances to break my pride and wean me off my self-reliance, my old self raises a lot of stink. like waves crashing violently and mountains hurtling into the heart of the sea, turmoil fills my soul.

this week, i was finally forced to come to terms with the possibility that i might be sick. *gasp*, i know. but it's not the flu or cold type sick. all these years, i've been coping with indigestion and belly aches and now, i'm driven to admit that something might be wrong with me. this thing that i've attributed to stress, that i've asked countless times for prayer for, could very well be a problem with the way my body is wired to mis-function (if that's even a word). made with a flaw in the system. i could be sick for life.

"it's hard to come to terms with our limitations," my dear friend counseled me over tea and cookies tonight. she had me pegged. i could try to emphathize with the many people around me who have various kinds of illnessess and disabilities, but i really thought i was invincible. that i was untouchable. and now i find myself in deep appreciation of all those who are in much worse positions than myself yet continue to live to their fullest, making the most of every day.

oh that God would grant me a heart of gratitude! that i would remember that EVERY thing comes from His hand. i want to be able to say with Paul that His grace is sufficient for me; that His power is made perfect in weakness; that i will boast all the more about my weaknesses because that's when His glory is manifested most brilliantly.

i hate change. i really do. and i hate having my weaknesses, self-centeredness and immaturity exposed. it's so uncomfortable but so necessary. and the truth of the matter is, God is good. no matter what.

Rock of Ages cleft for me,
let me hide myself in Thee.

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
~Psalm 46:1-3~